Something that has been on my brain the last few days is the topic of self acceptance. I know that my brain travels in all kinds of crazy directions and at times I know that I over think things or rather I look at things from every possible angle and well this very topic has been on my brain. I know that there are others in the same boat…we all can look at ourselves and find things to improve and I think that is a good thing that we really all are a work in progress and is that not what makes life so great ??
I guess where I am going with this thought is the thought we all can fall prey to. For some its “ I wish I was taller” “ Made more money” and so on. In my slice of life this is the thoughts on 2 fronts: The pursuit of happiness and what my future holds. February 2010 when I was diagnosed with cancer my life changed on a dime and although not in the plan previously I was faced with re-thinking everything I had known to be so. Suddenly I was looking at everything I had known and was changing up things. Now do not get me wrong in many ways I am blessed in some round about way with this process as I feel like I have grown as a person and with out doubt I was not happy with many of the directions my life was taking me so this chance to make changes has been a good thing. I have met many wonderful people as a result of all of this and now feel like I am do things in my life that matter that I am reaching my mission of what I was supposed to do and in the process I am giving back to this great world as result.
Where I am at a cross roads is with what the future holds. I have been one who was always a work centered person and so much of my productivity was with my work. Now or hopefully for now that has changed. I am learning how to be good with me and not working. Admittedly I feel that my efforts with The Inland Northwest LGBT Center and Destinations of Spokane are efforts worthy of the time I spend on them. It is however different and yes to be honest the adjustment to living on far less than I used to make has at times been a challenge. I know that it is all part and parcel of the direction life has taken me and so I will learn to adjust.
The other part of all of this for me has been the pursuit of happiness. This has been a bigger challenge for me and one that I am grasping to find answers for. I love and adore all of my friends dearly, But it has been mentioned to me recently that I may be living in the past in some ways and although I like to think otherwise, I am starting to wonder if this idea may very well have some truth to it. Just when I thought I was well past all of that it looks like it may be creeping back into my life….Life has provided me with some very one of a kind experiences on more than one occasion and to be honest I think I have tasted how all of that is and can be and I may be looking for more by the way of reverting back to happy thoughts of those times with current day experiences. This train of thought has gotten me to ask myself just what it is I want and to also question my directions I am seeking for this. For me this is where the self acceptance plays a part…. I need to learn that all life is handing me is perhaps what or how it is supposed to be and I need to get past the thoughts of my life or rather my chances for that happiness are not over at age 40… I will work towards this goal. I will reflect daily on those little moments of greatness and I shall appreciate them for what they are…I will never forget all that was great in the past, rather I shall start viewing them in perspective and work to combat the urge to only seek out more of the same and as my friends and family have said to me let life happen and what will be what is right will happen…I shall never loose help rather I will try hard to be trying so hard. Not going to be easy as this goes against everything my life has always been but a challenge I can take on.
To wrap this up I think we as humans are all prone to the what if or the I wish I was…when we can learn to accept ourselves for who and what we are then and only then we can make the changes we seek. This process is not always easy or fun…it leads to many negative things at times, but if we try hard every day to love ourselves for who and what we are then the road to the goal is much easier to travel. Smile to yourself and affirm that you are one very special and beautiful person as you are !!! Corny but remind yourself how much you love you !!! When we can do that then we can love others !!!
