Monday 2/28/2011 Start Of A Great New Week :-)

So today is a Monday and for some people that is a dreaded day…Aaron will work late today as it is month end and payroll day and although he is a loan officer he is part of the team. He is not looking forward to it. I have found that Monday is really just another day for me. I guess too many years with a non traditional schedule makes me this way, and now that I am recovering and not working all the days seem to be the same. I am excited about Monday as its my day at the LGBT center. I find that very rewarding.

So good news on the cold front….I am getting over it after 2 miserable days and am very happy about that one. To not have a constant running nose is an awesome thing in my books. Like I told Aaron…I am going to be well come Saturday no matter what…he chuckled…I told him I was not letting this get in the way.

Aaron’s step dad is doing better after the stroke and I am ever so grateful for that. My thanks to those who said a prayer for him. I know it will be a road to recovery but from the sounds of it the progress is good so far and will continue to be good.

Tomorrow I have my Denture Consult and in some ways I am a bit nervous about that…I hate the x-rays as I have a low gag level and all that, on the other hand I am excited to get this done and so it is all good. Guess I will know more after tomorrow.

So in talking with Aaron last night I found out that much like myself he adores Queen and Freddie Mercury. To find some one that is as into them as I am is like wow !!! The more I am getting to know him the more things in common I am finding and that is way cool. He is such an adorable and kind man and I am honored to know him and to be able to  really get to know him after 6 years.  Sometimes doors open when you are not looking for them and this is one of those times. I am very happy

Continued prayers for the Prows family. Betty is comfortable with the help of hospice and I am happy for that. I also believe that the family has had their time to have one last visit which is good, none the less my prayers continue for them as they go through this process.

So yesterday I reflected on the fact that it has been 3 weeks since my long distance relationship was downgraded to friendship. I guess for me the part that is the hardest is just that I feel like there was no closure, that many things remained un-answered and that the 2 days leading up to that Sunday were so great. I will never know and I do appreciate the friendship, I would hate to not have that at the very least, and I am at a point now where I can put it all in perspective and move on. I may never get the closure I want but that is OK now… Someday I will look back and see the answers and that is fine by me. I wish him all the happiness in the world and hope that he finds the career success that he so desires and some day the special person to make him happy. I am not bitter because as a result of things not working out Aaron and I connected and so nothing but good can come from this experience.

So to close this I will say that I hope your Monday is awesome and that all is well and good in your world and smile…we are alive for another day and blessed to have the chance to make the day the most awesome we can !!!

Sunday 2/27/2011

 

What to write about today ??? LOL I have been up for 3 hours and still I ponder this. Well this weekend was far different that I had planned. All week I was fighting a cold and yesterday it took hold of me. The biggest affects are the runny nose, light chest pain and I feel it in my head. I slept 12 + hours between a nap yesterday, sleeping in the chair and actual bed sleep. I am so going to get over this…I guess the fact that plans with Aaron were postponed turned out to be OK…I would hate to give him this cold and I want to be 100 % anyhow. Speaking of Aaron…his step dad is doing better or shall I say making progress given the stroke and I am glad to hear that.  I worry about Aaron…I asked how he is doing with all of this and he says fine….but he is such a loving person that I think he is just not showing it…so I pray for him as well as his step dad and mom.

 

Today is a bit warmer out and they say we are supposed to have warmer weather for a few days…I  look forward to that. I think today I shall spend the day being mellow and getting well. Tomorrow I have my volunteer time at the center and then Tuesday I have a dental appointment. I am not looking forward to the X-Rays but to get an idea of what I am in for to get my smile restored is exciting.  The only other thing on the agenda for the next week is Pizza and Movie night with Aaron on Saturday…OK No Family emergency's next week OK….LOL like I can control it.

Do you feel like some songs evoke a certain emotion or strike a memory ?? As I am a huge music collector I think there are moments that I get wrapped up in a song. Sometimes its something I seek out the song…other times I will be listening to a playlist and a song will come on and it moves me…sometimes I will replay that song 2 or 3 times.

I am excited…I found a very rare cd on EBAY and I am so far the only bidder and 19hrs to go…I shall be watching this one. This is a new sealed CD that was only released in Japan and I have the LP sealed for this but to have a factory cd and not a LP transfer would be awesome !!!

Guess that is it for now…should have a shower and get something done besides sitting in front of the computer. Have an awesome day

Saturday 2/26/2011

Today I thought I would write about family. Since there are so many kinds of families I figured that I would honor them here.

Dictionary.com defines a family as :

fam·i·ly

   [fam-uh-lee, fam-lee] Show IP Anoun, plural -lies, adjective

–noun.

a basic social unit consisting of parents and their children, considered as a group, whether dwelling together or not: the traditional family.

a social unit consisting of one or more adults together with the children they care for: a single-parent family.

the children of one person or one couple collectively: Wewant a large family.

the spouse and children of one person: We're taking thefamily on vacation next week.

any group of persons closely related by blood, as parents,children, uncles, aunts, and cousins: to marry into a socially prominent family.

all those persons considered as descendants of a common progenitor.

Chiefly British . approved lineage, especially noble, titled,famous, or wealthy ancestry: young men of family.

a group of persons who form a household under one head,including parents, children, and servants.

the staff, or body of assistants, of an official: the office family.

a group of related things or people: the family of romantic poets; the halogen family of elements.

a group of people who are generally not blood relations but who share common attitudes, interests, or goals and,frequently, live together: Many hippie communes of the sixties regarded themselves as families.

a group of products or product models made by the same manufacturer or producer.

Biology . the usual major subdivision of an order or suborderin the classification of plants, animals, fungi, etc., usually consisting of several genera.

Slang . a unit of the Mafia or Cosa Nostra operating in onearea under a local leader.

Linguistics . the largest category into which languages related by common origin can be classified with certainty:Indo-European, Sino-Tibetan, and Austronesian are the most widely spoken families of languages. Compare stock ( def. 12) , subfamily ( def. 2 ) .

OK So there are many definitions of family but for me in my world there are really 5:

Born into, By Marriage, Chosen, Birth, Adoptive

First off there is the family you were born with. They help shape you, raise you and are with you for life. For many life will throw ups and down but at the end of the day we love and/or respect our family. We may not always agree but with this group of family we seek the approval of and we come to understandings. We learn what subjects to avoid in conversation and for many we try to please them, We may be very close or not so much, but they are there for us ( most of the time ). For me this group of family and I have become closer over the years and I grateful for that. Yes we disagree but the is a respect for all.

Family by marriage are those that are brought into your born with family because of a marriage. More so than in-laws there are all different additions. We love them and respect them like the family we are born into and that respect remains same ( for most ). It does get confusing to explain them in the family structure beyond the typical “In Law’s “. Sometimes its those who come to the family by marriage that bring an alternative perspective and the ability to see things in a different light.

For me ( and many I know ) we have a chosen family. This is unique as there is not always a set structure. Rather we are all one big group that loves each other and watches out for each other and in some cases are the only family a member may have. The beauty of this family group is that often we have much in common or at very least they support us un-conditionally. They love us as we are and sometimes are the best source of advise. Because often there is no structure like many types of family someone younger or older will be the one you turn to for advise. I adore my rather large chosen family.

 

Birth Family. This applies if someone is born that is then adopted. My friend Doug has a birth family. More and more the birth family becomes back into the life of the adopted one and this is a chance to add to their family structure. For those lucky enough to have supportive birth parents it can be a beautiful thing. Doug is lucky that they are supportive so for him it adds to his life, including siblings. Regrettable not everyone is this lucky and some never seek out their birth family for fear of rejection.

Adoptive Family. For Doug this is the family that he was raised with, the ones he calls family. You adore them just as anyone would ( born with family ) they shape you and they guide you through life.

I chose this topic because I have been thinking about my family a lot as of late and what they mean to me. I am blessed to have a born with family, by marriage family and a large chosen family. They have been supportive in so many ways for me this last year and I so appreciate it. I also bring this up because my thoughts are on Aaron and his family….his step dad had a stroke Friday. I do not many details but my heart and prayers go out to them. May he recover soon and regain as much as possible. I also continue to send my thoughts and prayers to Betty Prows ( Grandma by marriage ) and her family as she wraps up her life. I know that this process is tough on the family and I am happy that hospice is there to help ease the transition.

Family. What ever type of have…cherish them while they are hear as one day they will no longer and being one that has lost family I can tell you its never easy and you never forget. I also feel that I can live with out regrets. They knew how much I loved them and it is the happy memories that I will have forever.

Have a Great Saturday and Remind your loved ones how much you love them…this is so important !!!

Friday 2/25/2011 Yeah Its Friday :-)

 

So today I thought of many things I could write about and so today I am going to write on several subjects.

Yesterday I took a somewhat relaxing day…Ok there was shoveling to be done, dishes to be put away and washed and yes I even baked some banana muffins…but for me that is slowing down !!!

Yesterday I spent a fair deal of time thinking back to all of the various times of my life as I was going through some old photo’s. It was a fun trip down memory lane. I also thought about all the people that touched my life that for what ever reason we no longer are in touch. I was telling a friend of mine about this. We agreed that although it is life, it is rather sad. The people that you wonder what ever happened to ??? I wish them all the happiness in life and I am sure most of them are doing that. I shudder to think of a few I some how do not think are with us any more and for them I hope that they are in a peaceful place.

I wanted to touch on DOMA…Yes I am excited to see that it is being no longer enforced and we are one step closer to marriage equality. This is a subject that is near and dear to me for many reasons…I want to get married some time in life and I will only do that once. I am blessed to be in a state that honors domestic partnerships and that is a step but I want the whole thing. Personally I will live with the term civil unions as long as that brings me all of the same perks that marriage gives. I understand that some would argue that the federal government should not be involved. I take the stance that we should allow gay’s to join as one. Civil unions now are only symbolic…yes there are some ways to get legal protections for things like joint property and the right to visit in a hospital but why should I have to pay a lawyer thousands and have several extra documents ?? If 2 people wish to commit themselves for life why not…and how about adoption. I can adopt and it would be nice to have parents that were married or what ever term that might be given. Also tax benefits…why should 2 straight people get extra breaks just because they are married ?? Insurance is also cheaper. Gay people should be able to do that and get said benefits. I guess time will tell and I will be advocating that I am allowed to have all that my straight counterparts get.

I also have been thinking just what is a relationship all about ??? Why do so many gay men feel the need to not be serious when it comes to relationships ? I am live and let live and if you want to be single all of your life then go for it. But why do so many get into relationships only to end them with out working on the issue ?? And open relationships…to me that is an oxy-moron. Yes I was in a relationship once that we brought in a 3rd and never again. I think of a relationship and I think of monogamy. I also know that when there are disagreements you work on them. You do not throw in the towel just because of a small argument. I think too many gay men are too careless when they get involved and forget about all of the parameters of a relationship. For me I am attracted to the personality the values and the goals first. Yes I have to have physical attraction to the other but it is not first on the list. I also do not rush to sleep with the person. A good relationship takes getting to know each other and when the time comes for sex that is a special time. I guess I am a hopeless romantic and seek out that in a partner. I have a special someone and although it is still new in the actual dating process, this is someone that I have known for 6 years. We are going slow and enjoying all that is in the courtship phase. It is refreshing that I have someone who like me is interested in a lifetime commitment and not endless dating. Time will tell and I will share more as that time comes, but for now I am very happy and looking forward to building a foundation with him.

So this Friday I smile for all my beloved friends family and the special one. The sun is shining and although its freezing out my heart is warm with all the love that I have for all of you. You make my life blessed and I cannot tell you enough how much I appreciate that !!!! Have an EPIC weekend

Wednesday, 2/23/2011 Middle Of The Week

Today I woke yet again after having such odd dreams and woke tired even though i got close to 9 hours of sleep. I am getting used to this and i think part of this is the fact that I have been pushing myself so much lately and I need to slow down some. My mind is ready for full steam ahead but the body is still not there yet. 

The last couple of weeks have been great for me and in so many ways have helped me put things in perspective. If you have read my older posts you will know what I am speaking of. I have had the chance to see friends I have not seen in many moons, I am also connecting with people that either I knew of but really never knew or meeting all new people and that is very exciting for me. Life is full of beautiful opportunities to stop and smell the flowers and I am finding the time to do that. I have always said 2011 would be my year and I am seeing the results of that. 

I am liking the fact that I have a much slower week this week...time to rest and do quiet time things...I have an ongoing project with my computer and database that I have not been attending to and a latch hook project I need to finish. I love being busy and also finishing a project so I think wrapping up loose ends shall be my goal for the rest of the week. Saturday Aaron and I are having movie and pizza night and I am looking forward to that. 

My continued thoughts go out to the Prows family as Betty nears her end of life. I know that this must be a very rough time for the family and hope that for all of them that peace may come their way soon. My thought and prayers are with them. 

I also am sending all good vibes to my friend Belinda as she figures out what direction she wants to go in life. I know this cannot be easy and I know with some thought and prayer she will find what is the best for her. 

My Friend Doug has by all appearances has taken the not so great interview in stride and is doing good. I hear from him a couple times a week and is doing good. I wish him all the best as he starts perusing the directions in his career that he so desires. I wish him all the luck and success in life..happiness too  

This week my sister is planning for her big move and although she has less than a third of what I have to move I still know what fun that is and I am sending her the strength to not go crazy in the process. 

So my thoughts today will be on all my beloved friends and family...may they have a great day, may they find reasons to smile and be happy as life is awesome and too special to waste !!!!

Tuesday 2/15/2011

Today I am going to try and rest some...spent yesterday at the LGBT Center and that is always rewarding but I am always tired afterwards.  It feels good to be giving back and the power point presentation I am working on for sensitivity training is quite interesting. I am one that likes to be busy and this helps to that end. My morning has been good, gotten caught up on most of my e-mail, had some shopping fun on EBAY and now I am thinking I do have a few things I should do around the house before I settle in for a day of computer work.

This week I will be having lunch with a friend tomorrow and then Saturday pizza and movie night with Aaron. Somewhere in all of this I also am planning a cleaning of the carpets and I have a long neglected latch hook project that I should try to finish. For all the sleep I got last night I am sure tired today. This has been the new thing to sleep ok and wake up tired. I think a nap may be in order for me today !!!

Yesterday I had a chance to reflect on my life in general as I was talking with Carol at the center and it was kind of fun to go back to the day lol. I am so inspired by the people in my life...Family, friends, everyone that is some how connected to my world. I think I shall think of life as a tapestry..very colorful and enjoyable.

My goal today is to make as many people smile as possible...it may be on line or phone but I am sending smiles out !!! I think that should be a good goal for the day !!! On that note make sure you tell the ones you love how much they mean to you !!! :-) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bOqyygAQSX0

Sunday 2/20/2011 Friendship & What It All Mean

So today I reflect on friendship. I have been blessed to have some pretty awesome friends in my life and got thinking that I would pay a tribute to them here. I know there are friends that I have in the past been very close with and for what ever reason we no longer are in touch. I know that happens in life and I respect that...I respect them. The ones I am going to mention are some very long term friends that no matter what have been a special part of my life. I was going to put time lines on each but the more I thought about that I thought better of that. In stead what I will do is just mention a general time frame.



Junior High/High School : For this group there are many I have reconnected with via MySpace or Facebook, but the 2 that really stand out that have been there and still are here are Shannon and Jennifer. Our lives may be crazy but those 2 have been beyond wonderful and there when I needed them. So thank you for making my life easier, your advise, your friendship, just being there I do appreciate that.

Post High School : First off My Friend Sandy who was there when my life was falling apart and some how we have always maintained some connection and contact. Your Strength and wisdom has been a real blessing for me and I appreciate that ever so much.

Joe who helped to show me the reality of a dream made true. With out your encouragement I would not have done the business ventures I have and really the 2.5 years we were together were full of laughs and fun. I also got a part in help develop the wonderful person your daughter Sara now is and I treasure that. The fact that we remain so close after so long and I count you as one of my dearest friends !!!

Len a friend who I looked up to as my "gay dad " the first of my chosen family. Your wisdom and guidance at many times has been a blessing. Because of you I met Bill. You were there during some very challenging times and no matter what I am who I am in part of you and all I have learned about life from you.

Bill, Our 4 years together taught me things I never knew, you showed me what fun could be had, inspired me to buy my first home when I never thought I could ( and a brand new one at that !! ). You have been there for me since we broke up, came to Canada to see me and Jack and even since my return from Canada in 2003 you have been there. We may not run into each other as much now but the memories remain and we can pick up where we left off when we do meet. Also to have known your family and to have shared time with them has been a wonderful experience as well.

Jack, The wild man from Canada, we met by fluke, I never thought that we would spend 6 wonderful years together, that I would immigrate to Canada to be with you. That I would have the chance to help raise Erin and Joshua. To the many good times, wild times, the memories are forever. I cherish our friendship to this day as you my best friend and look forward to the day when we can visit again in person, till then I will take the phone calls and e-mail.

Doug, With you I have a special friendship in that you and I have discussed so much about ourselves, lives, desires, goals, dreams, we shared such heart felt things. As your friend I fell lucky to have you. Your going places in life and I look forward to hearing all about them. I know that I could come to you with any issue and you could help me through it...You have wisdom beyond your years and think so much like I do...I treasure it.

Aaron, You and I have for the past 6 years crossed paths many times and getting to know you better has been a real treasure for me. Your such a kind and gentle person and someone I cherish having in my life. The future is all open and I look forward to many good times involving you.

Also in the past 6+ years I have been fortunate to have the following people as friends and because of them I am so much more enriched as a person. Robert R. Mandy R. Robert M Plus all the people I worked with for the 4 years prior to cancer and you know who you are.

Yes I have Been Blessed with some very wonderful friends and with out them I would be lesser a person. I may not have mentioned everyone as this would be 3 times bigger, but know that if we are friends than I cherish the friendship and the good times we have.

To End this  I am going to post something from Facebook that I really like and I think sums it all up !!!

It's been said that everlasting friends can go long periods of time without speaking and never question the friendship. These types of friends pick up like they just spoke yesterday, regardless of how long it has been or how far away they live, and they don't hold grudges. They understand that life is busy, but you will ALWAYS love them. Re-post if you have at least 1 of these friends. They will know who they are♥

Saturday 2/19/2011 :-)

So after a so so sleep I got up and I have been productive this morning...the sun shining is helping the inspiration as well as the fact I get to meet Aaron for lunch today. After 6 years of chatting off and on it will be nice to really get to know the person that is Aaron. I am really excited and nervous all at the same time. Anytime you meet some one for the first time there are the gitters. It will great however and I am sure I will get past all of that in a short time. Other than that I have left my day open to what ever may come and I am looking forward what ever the day brings me.

I have been reflecting on love and friendship again and I guess I have come to conclude there is no one answer about either. Things happen in life for a reason and some times as much as we want a clear answer we cannot get that and we must just wait. I am not the most patient person and thus I am learning this one.

My thoughts and prayers go out to the Prows family as they go thru this difficult time with Betty and her failing health.

I think I will blog later as the day goes on so I will post a second one. Enjoy Your Saturday Morning and remember to smile :-)

Saturday 2/19/2011 :-)

So after a so so sleep I got up and I have been productive this morning...the sun shining is helping the inspiration as well as the fact I get to meet Aaron for lunch today. After 6 years of chatting off and on it will be nice to really get to know the person that is Aaron. I am really excited and nervous all at the same time. Anytime you meet some one for the first time there are the gitters. It will great however and I am sure I will get past all of that in a short time. Other than that I have left my day open to what ever may come and I am looking forward what ever the day brings me.

I have been reflecting on love and friendship again and I guess I have come to conclude there is no one answer about either. Things happen in life for a reason and some times as much as we want a clear answer we cannot get that and we must just wait. I am not the most patient person and thus I am learning this one.

My thoughts and prayers go out to the Prows family as they go thru this difficult time with Betty and her failing health.

I think I will blog later as the day goes on so I will post a second one. Enjoy Your Saturday Morning and remember to smile :-)

Friday 2/18/2011

Today is a day to gather thoughts and as it is Friday, a day to get things done around the house.

Yesterday was good...I was emotional at times but over all it was good. Got to have lunch with my dear friend Shannon ( have known since Junior High ). I had dinner with my dad as he was in town. I also got great messages from all my dear friends and family. The day ended with a call from Aaron and firming plans for lunch on Saturday  I am so excited about that :-).

I guess today is almost a let down after all of the emotions of yesterday the realties of just what 1 year ago was to my life, and now today is another day. Do not get me wrong I am grateful for every waking day and today is no exception...Although cold out I appreciate the sunshine today and that will help to inspire me.

As I look forward to all that is in store for me this year I am reminded of the dear friends and family I have and how much they really mean to me. They help to make life so wonderful, I say kudos to them.

My prayers are with the Prows Family ( my step mom and step siblings ) as they face this challenging time with Betty's failing health. I pray they will have the strength and the guidance to get through all of this. May Betty find the peace and the serenity that comes after a life well lived. Hugs to them :-)

I am really excited for tomorrow and lunch with Aaron. He is a bright spot in my life and some one who makes me smile. We all need those special people in our lives.

To my friend Doug who had some disappointment this week with the job interview not going so well I send out all the best and I know that like many things in life timing is key...So if You read this Doug keep your chin up and a smile on your face as there will be some good opportunity coming for you :-)

To Mom May you continue to re-gain health and beat the nasty cold. I know that you will not let it stop you from accomplishing what you set out to do !!!

So my goal for today beyond chores lol is I am going to think of all the special people in my life and smile as I do so. I shall send out good vibes to them and hope that life is going the way they hope it is.

Cheers To All !!!

Matthew :-)

2/17/2011 One Year Ago Today.....

Today is one of reflection...It was one year ago today that  I was diagnosed with stage 4 nuroendocrine cancer. From the start my oncologist said he was going to get me many more years. I put my faith and trust in Dr. Kaya from the start. Today I look back and I reflect on all of the wonderful people who made this past year all the better and had a part in my wellness. From Dr.Kaya, to the staff @ Sacred Heart Hospital, the wonderful people @ Cancer Care Northwest, including Francie and the nurses in the chemo department. To Dr. Wright my surgeon, and Dr. Lameraux my radiation oncologist. To the radiation team @ CCNW Deaconess office and all wonderful people @ Decaoness. I also cannot forget my Family...My Mom who was there from day 1 and my supporter. My entire family has been great. To my friends who rallied and sent well wishes...and offers of help. Yes I am very lucky to have the wonderful people I do in my life.

So today I celebrate life, friendship, and family. I look back on the past year and think about various moments and honestly I am so grateful for every moment. I am blessed. It was not always easy but I look at life as many challenges we are faced with and going about them with a positive attitude and outlook. Never once in the past year did I feel sorry for myself, even on those days when it was all I could do to get up, I looked at the day as good...I was alive for another day.

This past year I learned many things about life. I learned how wonderful it really is. Every day is a new day, a new adventure,a treasure, a blessing.  I took a step back and looked at every aspect of my life this past year. I set out goals and made plans. I am working on the goals, my plans are shaping up. Yes 2011 is my year.

So to everyone who has had an impact on my life this past year I thank you, you are a part of what makes my life what it is and I am grateful for that. Today I will laugh and I will cry and I will reflect. 1 year ago my life changed and as a result I am a better person, more aware, and I appreciate life and those in my life that much more. I Love You All for that. Thank You.

Wednesday, 2/16/2011

Yesterday was good to get out and spend some time at the LGBT center. It was a slow day but none the less I was able to help and i am sure as time goes on there is will be plenty to do !! I cam home tired and even with a nap I was drained all evening. I did get to chat with Aaron which was nice and also chat on line with a few friends so all was awesome that way. Mom is not doing do well. she is on heavy meds to help the infection in her  lungs and is using a nebulizer.  Apparently this is par for the course when she gets a cold so she is not too worried...lots of rest and all the other things that one does to get better. This does mean that out plans for tomorrow are off however.  I want her to be feeling better and I shall spend the day in reflection of the past year ( Feb 17th is the anniversary of my diagnosis of cancer ). Aaron is feeling better after a day off from work and lots of rest. Glad to hear that...would hate to have to cancel Saturday too. I do not think that will happen so it is all good.

I have been reflecting on my life as of late and looking for answers that I am not sure are out there. I have been thinking about my friend Doug as of late...why ? well because his big interview did not go so well according to him and although he is taking the approach of better luck next time, something tells me it is not that simple and I am just being an overly concerned friend I guess. It does not help that other than the text msg saying it did not go so well and better luck next time....that he was going to just going to focus on music. And one later letting me know he arrived home, I have not gotten any feedback on how it went. I guess for me this lack of feedback plus he is showing on line till late ( eastern time ), make me wonder what is going on....I do not want to pry so I am going to wait for now, but at some point I will send a msg of some sorts and try to get more details. I guess I get vibes that are less than awesome and I hope I am wrong on that. I want him to be happy in his life and I know that he is capable of that. I know he working hard on the new CD so maybe he will finish that and that will be what he has been up to. Again I am being a worry wart for nothing I am sure. And If by some chance you read this Doug...Send me an e-mail or something letting me know all is OK.

I am so looking forward to Saturday :-) As one Friend put it...as one door closes another opens. After 6 years of on again off again chatting and never meeting I get to meet some one that is in the same boat as I am...Single and looking, relationship minded, and many many values I live he has the same opinion of. It will be nice to meet and who knows. I know that I said in earlier posts that I was going to hold out for the Special one I spoke of but I am also not going to allow a potential chance at happiness and everything I want to pass me by. Do not get me wrong The Special One will always have a special place in my heart but I have a chance to have the relationship I always wanted with some one who is in the same town and settled in his career...that is handsome and a big kid at heart...I am not going to pass that up. I am going to go slow and see where it may lead...Its rough because of all the things in a short time I shared with The Special one, but he is far away, wants to focus on his career and I respect that....at the same time I have potentially the awesome relationship I always wanted right here :-) I am so jazzed for that. As For The Potential One I want him to know that you are going to get 100 % of me..and we shall see given time where that leads us :-) I know already that there is something, some bond and I am so excited to see what the future holds.  I know I am using generic terms but out of respect of the 2 involved I will keep it that way for now.

I am saying my prayers for my friend Bel,
She has lots of choices to make and they are pretty major things so for her I am saying my prayers and I know that she will make the right choice.


Today I have friends coming over for dinner and then an event at The Spotlight from 7-9. I am looking forward to seeing some of the people I never see and be supportive of the cause. I really am not much of a bar person any more so it more for the cause.

I have posted the whole group of pictures that were taken yesterday on my facebook page. I am pleased with how they turned out and to be able to show off the new look. I think it helps make me look younger and although I know of 2 people who would appose, I have gotten praise from so many others about it so I am keeping it for now :-)

Guess I should get some thing productive done so I will stop here. For Tomorrow's entry I think I will reflect on 1 year of my life and the Cancer Journey.  Have  A Great Day Everyone !!!!

Tuesday 2/15/2011

Since I did not blog yesterday I figured I would address yesterday and today all at once. 

Yesterday was Valentines day or as some of my single friends call it " Singles Appreciation Day " . The day for me was productive but un-eventful. It was nice to communicate with my friends and send well wishes for the day on Facebook. Yesterday I make some changes to my appearance. No more facial hair and a buzz cut on top. I am liking the change and although it means I go back to daily shaving I have noticed how much younger it makes me look. Now I really have to keep up with the eye gel !!. I was do for a change and figured I would try this again. Already I know that there are 2 people in my life that are going to be against this but who knows....I can go back to the other way if I want down the road. 

Yesterday my friend Doug had his big interview in Clearwater Fl. I was really excited for him as this is a great career move for him. It was an all day evaluation/interview. I heard from him about 2 hours after the evaluation day was done for him and his comment was not so well...better luck next time. He is going to focus on his music more. This was about 7:15 his time. I get a text at 10:56 his time that he had made it home. I am sure that he is one tired camper today as he did not sign off line till 11:30 est. I am saddened to hear it did not go well for him as I was really rooting for him. I am sure I will get more information from him in the next couple days as to what happened and such. 

Spoke with Mom yesterday and she was feeling considerably better than she had been feeling Sunday. Apparently she had caught some cold and was fighting that big time. She plans to go to work today and so far the plans are still on for Thursday. I hope she continues to feel better and returns to her normal self. 

Spoke with Aaron yesterday and he too was catching something...must be going around lol. Any how he said he felt better after a warm shower and was planning on going to bed early as to fight this off. Sending wellness wishes his way as I am so looking forward to lunch on Saturday with him. 

For today I am volunteering at the LGBT center and looking forward to that. It will get me out of the house and give back to the community. I am not sure for how long they will need me today but we shall see. 

Hope that your day goes great and hugs to all of you !!! I will keep you updated as this is just the start of the craziness of my life and I am so ready for it.

Sunday 2/13/2011

What a day...Productive as I got my new computer all set up the way I need it to be. I got the one it replaces all wiped and clean install of the operating system. Its going to be a media computer for my living room. I even got some house chores done. I admittedly have puttered around today too. 

Its about this time on Sunday that I get a very out of sorts feeling....not bad as much just a lost feeling. I am not sure why . I am looking forward to Tuesday as I star volunteering at the LGBT Center. This week its Tuesday then it will be Mondays. Feels good to be able to give back. Then Next weekend I have plans with Aaron. Should be a good week. 

Tomorrow my friend Doug has his interview in Clearwater with Audemars Piquet. I am on pins and needles for him. This would be a great career move for him. I am sending all the good vibes and prayers his way. He will be great at it. 

Life has been good this weekend...I am finding happiness and joy in several ways and life is coming together well. It will be a challenge in some parts but I am looking forward to everything thrown at me !!! 

Hope your Sunday is awesome as well 

Saturday 2/11/2011

Happy Saturday Everyone !!!
I woke today and and much for at peace with some of the things going on in my life and where one path goes a different direction, another is revealed. I guess life is funny that way. I am happy and excited with the way 2011 is shaping up and hope that it continues to be great !!!

Today I have volunteer orientation and I am excited about that. It will be a chance for me to get out and do some good for the community and that excites me. The rest of the day I am going to buy a new computer so I will have a new toy to play with lol and my routine for the weekend...the mundane things that one has to deal with.

I feel my old self returning and realize how valuable friendship is. I guess life goes on and I am so ready. Oh yeah I have something up my sleeve but I think I am now past all the emotional stuff I was dealing with and ready to try new adventures in life.

As I have little to blog about I will share a great song that has been remixed but sum's up how I am feeling. I may blog again later who knows.

Have a Great Saturday everyone :-)


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_6Ro5FDm-tE

Friday 2/11/2011

Today Although I am sure will be productive is a day of nothing planned. Oh I know there are things to be done and all but I like having a day where I do not have to be somewhere at a certain time or other such.

Last night my sleep was on the more interesting side with many crazy dreams I am sure I will be trying to get the meaning of.

The last couple of days I have been pondering the meaning of love...what is love, does it exist and what is being in love. I know that there are many levels of love and that I love my family in a way that is different than I love my pets, in the way I love a partner when I am not single. And even in those many levels of love it can vary. Some more than others. One friend of mine advised me to never fall in love as doing so I would loose control of me that I should respect a partner and love them but never fall in love. I disagree. In my life I have been in several relationships of some time. Some were for years. In those times I loved them all but honestly not in every case was I in love. When I was well it was a most wonderful feeling.I know that I will have that again as I recently did. I also wonder about chemistry...are we being too reserved some how and over looking wonderful people when really we could find all the happiness in the world with such person ?? I know people who are so set in what the ideal will be that anything else is not worth bothering over. I find that really sad. They are missing out on so much. So I guess for me this will be an ongoing introspective journey and one I will do lots of internalizing on. I really do believe there is some one out there for every one.

The weekend is almost here and this weekend I will be attending volunteer orientation at the LGBT Center. I am excited to see how this will enrich my life. I am also looking forward to meeting some new people as new friends are always good to have. Other than that a quiet weekend and that is ok...more time to ponder on what is most important in life.

Have a Happy Friday and an awesome weekend !!!

Thursday 2/10/2011

Today has been a pretty good day so far !!! I was able to sleep last night and was up only once which is normal for me really. I think I over did it a bit yesterday as my shoulders are sore from carrying home a bunch of groceries but I look at it as part of my stamina building. I have been on line and got some really awesome deals from The Body Shop and Bath & Body Works. I always feel good spending money, but to get free shipping and free items...even better. Today I have a few phone calls to make and general house work but I think I will take it easy today and play it by ear as they say.

As far as my ongoing saga with my dating life I still have not gotten a responce from him, but he did say yeaterday he is composing a well thought out responce and did not want to send something rushed. I got another responce from my lengthy e-mail to friends and over all I am settling in to reality. I feel less and less over the top emotional and I feel like I am ready to be just friends. Yes there is a part of me that hopes that some day he will want to resume what we started but if that was to happen that is going to be down the road and for now I am focusing my energies on all the other goals in my life. I have come to realize that I am a hopeless romantic and I let my heart run wild on this one. Do not get me wrong he is a great person and I will tresure the friendship we have, I just have to accept that he may only be a friend in life and I am happy to say that I am much closer to that. Do not get me wrong I would jump ( cautiously ) at the chance to have him as the special one, but for now that is not happing and I cannot mope the rest of my life about it either.

This weekend I have Volunteer orientation with the LGBT Center and then a meeting with the "Ins & Outs " group. They are publishing a newsletter/ on line newsletter and they are about ready to publish the first edition and as I contributed to that I figured I would go see how the 1st edition is going to be. I am looking forward to getting out of the house and getting involved with the community. This was one of those goals I set out and I am looking forward to it.

I may also go for coffee with a friend this weekend and this weekend no family dinner on Saturday, but I will be fairly busy none the less.

Got my federal finnancial aid filed yesterday and now to make appointments to get all set for Fall Quarter. I am really excited about the return to college and unltimatly my Masters Degree in Social Work. Will look forward to doing some good in society and returning to the work force.

Guess that is all for now...Making the most out of life and loving it, despite detours. Hope your day is going great as well !!!!

Wednesday February 9th 2011

Today is a very busy day for me as I have many things to get done to enable my return to college in the fall. I do not mind such a busy day as it allows me to be productive as well as keeps my mind from wandering and that as of late is a good thing.

Last night I went to bed around 10:30 after catching up with a few friends that I had not spoken with in a while. I was tired and thought that sleep would come easy. Well I would start to get to sleep and then I was awake..last time I checked the clock it was 2:30. I could not get my brain to stop running at a million miles an hour. I would say that most of my thoughts were on the special one in my life ( who currently is a friend ). I was thinking back on all the many conversations we had and had earlier re-read some of the e-mail and chats we had. I guess that did not help. I had sent a select group of friends and family a very lengthy e-mail yesterday about what is going on and I got 2 responses back. Both shared experiences not Un-like what I am going through and it was good advise as well as the heads up I need. Un-like my best friend who says I should move on and never look back ( and many other things ) the 2 respondents were more supportive of my wanting to wait and see. It was also nice that I got to chat with him a bit yesterday. He initiated the chat and was working on a reply to my e-mail from Sunday. He said that he agreed with allot of the points I made. I have not yet gotten that e-mail from him but look forward to seeing what he has to say. I guess for me it is going to take some time to adjust to this new mode of waiting for him. I am sure the fact his pictures remain up and on the computer do not help but by the same token I cannot bear the thought of putting them away. In some way I think it will help me be able to look at them and not get emotional which is getting a bit easier as the days go on. I think I will plan a visit to see him late summer or early fall and show him that I can be a friend.

One interesting note about my crazy sleep last night was that I had a dream with my late grandparents and him and I really think I was channeling them. I really think there is some sort of sign in that dream. I miss them dearly and its been a while since I have had a dream about them that I can remember. I think I am going to take this experience and really grow from it all. I am even contemplating a journal about it all. Who knows could become a good book some day depending on the out come. At very least it will help me put perspective on this as I am still struggling with that.

I am grateful for the sun shine today and may get out to do some food shopping. The walk to the store will do me good and help to build the stamina. All and all I think today will be a good day despite being tired. I will try to make it that way as I try to every day !!!!

Another day in my life....

So much has happened since my last posting and by sharing some of my thoughts maybe I will gain the perspective I am looking for. Who knows.

January brought another CT Scan and the results are all good. The scarring around my liver due to radiation has cleared and my next scan will not be for 4 months. Both my main oncologist and my radiation oncologist are very pleased at the progress. I have gained even more weight and now am 146-148 depending on the day. This is good because for my build I should be about 160. I still struggle with fatigue and ringing in my ears and the sleeping pattern is less than ideal but slowly I am making progress and that is a good thing !!!!

Last week I was thinking about all I went through in 2010 as the 1 year mark of my diagnosis is coming up 02/17. I think it sunk in just how serious it was and what all I went through. I tended to look at it as OK what do we do to resolve this and never thought about how severe it was. I am grateful to all of my family, friends and the medical team that has been able to get me to this point. They really have been awesome and the support has been so appreciated !

Sunday things took a turn in the dating part of my life. I have been all over the place with my feelings and emotions and even now having internalized what is going on I am still not sure. I guess its still very emotionally raw for me and that will take some time. At this point the one I speak so highly of has chosen to focus all of his energies on getting established in career and life too I suppose. I will say that his reasons are very valid and I cannot argue with them, even though that is not what I wanted to hear. We remain friends and I am holding on the hope that given time he and I will be able to resume what we started and yes that will mean some radical changes, mainly I would have to relocate, but I am willing to do that, to have the opportunity to date and get to know him. How long will that be ? who knows....he knows how I feel and what I am willing to do and I guess time will tell. I will take the time and direct my energies in to getting ready for my return to school. I am of the belief that if you love someone, set them free...if they come back it was meant to be. He and I will both grow and become better people in our own ways and some day the friendship will mature into the relationship we started. Yes I know that sounds some what crazy, but in my heart I know there is something there and deep down I know he feels the same, just needs to get settled in other ways of life. Any good relationship has to have a foundation in friendship and that is what I am going to do...

I am at a crossroads in my life with making the transition from treatments and recovery to remission and moving forward. The stamina is not where it should be yet and I tire easily. Mentally I am ready, more than ready...just cannot get the body to run in the same direction !!! I am thinking of getting out and volunteering some of my time as a way to build stamina, get out of the house, and start re-joining world. I think it will also be good to make some new friends and enjoy something of a social life again. Yes I am also going to do more with the friends I already have, but am also looking forward to meeting some new people as well.

For now I think that brings my life up to date. I have resolved to be better at keeping this up to date and posting more...I enjoy it, just forget to sit and write....so we shall see

Life and Random Thoughts....

This is a blog I posted somewhere else but since I plan to blog here more I figured I would share here. This Was Written January 16th 2011 :

SO much is happening in my life and I find that everyday is a new adventure. Today I am inspired to write about a few things that are on my mind and maybe in the process be able to sort all the odds and ends together in the process.

I made a goal for my self that 2011 was going to be a new chapter in my life and rather than call it New Years Resolutions this was going to be a new chapter. I completed my treatments in November and other than CT scans to monitor my progress I am happy to be free of the treatments. They have not told me I am in remission but I like to think that I am and hope that I stay this way. 2010 was quite the year for me with the cancer battle and I am ever so grateful to all of the specialists and my friends and family. I am proud to say that as of this writing I have brought my weight back to 140 lbs which for some one 5' 10" is still low but better than the 123 I was last Feb. The journey with cancer has been one that made stop and think about everything in life. I know I should have been more scared at times than I was, but for me it was simply a change or re-route in life. I think a big part of my recovery has been I have never really let the cancer get me down.. I maintain a happy face and attitude daily in spite of it all.

So now that we are in 2011 I am looking forward to each new day as a gift. I am re-building stamina although slowly and they tell me that could take a year to be fully back to normal. I still plan on returning to college although I have delayed that by one quarter as I am not quite strong enough to get the full benefit out of it and I want to have at least some good stamina to be able to concentrate on studies and get the most of my educational experience.

The end of 2010 also brought me some happiness in a way not anticipated. I have met the worlds most wonderful man and I could not be happier. It is so rare to find someone that has the same values, dreams and ambitions in life. I had given up on finding chemistry as I was meeting some people but never a spark. Well not any more. I have truly been sent an angel and although it is still young in the relationship it is exciting every day and getting to know him has been not only great but also a wow have I really met the one. I feel we all have a soul mate and that there is one person out there for each of us. I also feel that sometimes people over look that for some reason. For me it has been my ongoing search. I do not want to spend the rest of my life alone I also do not want to be endlessly dating. Further I will no longer just settle for nice enough guys but no chemistry. Well like I said I have met a very super and loving man that is everything I could want in a partner. We have had many discussions on the importance of life and goals and dreams. It is the breath of fresh air that I need.

There is a possibility of some further changes in my life but at this point I do not feel I need to address them here as there is a lot up in the air. Let me just say that I am excited and nervous but am ready for what ever 2011 may hold for me !!! This year is turning out to be the best year yet and that excites me.

As for my family I love them dearly and hope they understand that I am doing what makes me happy in life, that it is my life and at 40 I should be in charge of my life. They have been supportive of me for a long time and I hope that continues. I do love them dearly and respect what they have to say although that will not stop me from doing what I see as right in my life.

I want to take a moment and share a thought about my late Paternal grandparents. They are both gone and have been for several years but I miss them dearly and sure could use them around about now...they are the role model I have taken my life after and to be able to discuss all of this with them would have been a blessing. I know they are looking down from heaven and smiling. I love you both and miss you both daily.

I am sure I will be blogging from time to time as things change and happen and as I am ready to share my thoughts with the world. I do rather enjoy this if only because it helps me process everything and clear my head. So if you are reading this thank you I appreciate it !!!

Have A Great Day Every Day And I Hope Your 2011 Is The Exciting New Chapter For You That It Is For Me