What Do You Want For Life ?

The last few weeks I have found myself in the place to ask myself Just what it is I want out of life....I know the eternal question and also the title of a great song from the seventy's at the same time its so true. I guess it does not help that for the last couple of weeks I am finding my energy level down and as a result of this I am finding the littlest of things that are getting under my skin more than they should or for that matter annoying me at all. Not a good head space to be in for anyone and even more frustrating for me. I will start with the fact that since my diagnosis of Cancer I have not had the energy that I once had and for me that is an adjustment all on its own. I was always the one who was able to be in many directions all the time. Since my 1st treatment I have had to adjust to having a brain that still goes in so many directions and a body that does not keep up. No complaints mind you, just an adjustment. If that was not enough I am finding that as much as there is so much to be done and as the ever ready ( OK so I like to think I am ever Ready ) advocate I see all of the things that need to be done....and here is where this gets to be fun or something....I am proud of all my efforts to help shape a better world and I am proud of all the wonderful people that are in the trenches with me, but what really bothers me is the lack of buy in or commitment. I am feeling more and more " Some one is taking care of it so I do not have to " and or " I really want to have all of this, but I am not going to support it " Mind you this is not me feeling this way...its that I am finding this to be the attitudes of the very segment of society I am advocating for. Oh yes there are exceptions to this and there are some wonderful people who are very appreciative of the work all of us advocates are doing, but honestly more and more I personally am questioning my efforts from the perspective of is this really worth my time ??? I hate to feel this way and I really like to think that its just fatigue setting in, but my hunch is that is not simply the answer. I guess what I need to do is learn not to care so much or be less passionate about it all. I feel like I am letting myself down when the support is just not there.

I speak of Equality and I often say " One Race, The Human Race" and yes I would love to see a world that is that way and yes I would like to see that in my life time....however here is the reality....We are not there yet. Can we continue to make strides to get there ?? Yes we can !!! Are we making progress ??? YES !!! Now why is it that its almost tooth and nail to get people engaged ??? Not all can or want to step up to the soap box like myself and others do and I am good with that...but when is attending an event and thus supporting a cause in the process a bad thing ?? Why is it that it seems to be the same wonderful folks at every event. Why is it that when asked to help with a community publication ( one which is free to get ) there is no support ??? Recently the center has come to see some rather large expenses come to need paid and the scramble to find ways to pay them. Oh we need a center is heard...oh yeah great job....the list goes on and yet attendance is not there. We throw events and only a handful come out for them. I guess for me its more frustrating because my heart is into all of this and not because I am seeking fame or glory...its because I know how important this work is and it impacts my life...as well as others....like hello ??? 

Now I know that some folks are busy and yes sometimes events are happening at times when you are at work, sleeping or otherwise bad times for you....but everything every time ??? I find that hard to imagine. I guess its easier to let others do all the effort and then complain there is nothing going on or that things are not happening the way you want them to. Well I challenge everyone who finds a passion in life....do your part !! Stand up be counted, get involved, contribute money , something. I will not let my discouragement stop me but this tireless advocate is tired and I speak for many others when I say this....We cannot do it all on our own and some day we are going to stop and what then ??? Change happens when many get on board and when many fight the battle. I am so frustrated that society has become the way it has....we want it faster, cheaper, better, etc....no regard of how that will happen. From the other side I can tell you its not going to happen all on its own !!! 

Guess I have made my rant and my case for this and I will end my blog here. If you are someone that gets involved in what ever the cause then I applaud you !!! Keep doing it and know as one who is doing the same I appreciate it !!! We are the future and we can shape it the way we want thru hard work and effort...from small ways to large it all adds to a better world !!!

Spring Is Here…Updates and Thoughts

 

 

Having said to myself many times that I really should update and not doing so…today seems to be a good day to do so !!!

Winter was a busy time for me and although I am not complaining at all I must admit that it was really only the start of what looks like it will be a busy year. More and more I am finding more areas of need at the center and I am proud of all the work being done and to be able to be a part of it and making history in the process. Marriage equality was voted into law here in Washington state earlier this year. This was met with a challenge and thus an area that needed my attention. As of this post it is unclear if there will be enough votes ( validated signatures ) to make the challenge to the ballot or not. Efforts are well under way to educate and I am proud to be a part of that. I am both excited and yet at the same time would like to see that enough will not be collected. If there are not enough then the law becomes active. At the same time I am very realistic about the need to continue efforts and educate why the need to vote and vote yes on Ref 74 in November. I guess time will tell on this one. We have been very active in our efforts and I must say I am proud that our local city took on a non binding resolution on marriage equality. I am proud to have worked with the core group to get this to consideration. It was amazing the day of the vote when I joined over 50 people who marched to city hall…then joined by as many more, then to over fill the chambers and to be a part of the testimony. It was tabled and although it was not voted in, I am proud that we were able to show this is important to our citizens. The people who were there for other items but then felt compelled to testify. The fact we were able to get some very high profile people to stand up and testify and that because of the whole process it has brought allies to the table and are helping to educate. Community is showing and again I am proud to be a part of history in the making.

This spring has also been busy with Cinco DeMayo celebration with Destinations which was a blast and the GSA forum. I am proud that we have so many wonderful people who are fighting for such important causes  and to be a part of it all and help where I can is such a powerful thing. Lots to be done but we are slowing making progress and that is a very exciting thing. Lots of time with friends and family have rounded out the time and I find I am living life to the fullest and am excited to see where the future takes me. Never a dull moment and that is exciting all on its own.

Health wise It has been all over the place. Having had a scan in the start of the year showing growth and the follow up showing this to be true makes me fully aware that I will be in treatment sometime this year. I will be scanned again end of the month and although I have no way to fully know what it will show I am finding that my energy level down and makes me feel like it will be sooner than later and I am ready for that. Having had a good run with decent stamina in the last few weeks I fond my energy is down again and that I feel tired more and more despite the extra sleep and rest I have been getting. I adopted the thought early on that I will have a journey filled with many twists and turns and end of the day I am getting to live and I will take on anything that comes along so that I can have many more years to come.

One thing I have learned along the way with this journey is the value of what is most important in life and just what is not so important. Its been an eye opening experience and I am glad that I have been chosen to see this experience. Never would have dreamed I would end up where I have but none the less its another chapter in the great book of life. I tell people all the time that we need to appreciate the little things every day and to live life to the fullest and its so true. When we can appreciate what matters most it takes on a whole new perspective.

In the months ahead I look forward to many events and experiences and the chance to continue to smile often and live this life to the fullest !!!

Here is the link to my testimony if you have not already seen this:

Marriage Equality Testimony

The Journey Of Life….Never a dull moment !!!!

To say 2012 has been a busy one would be an understatement and once again I am finding that life is presenting me with many learning opportunities…The holidays were great as they tend to be and it was great to spend time with my loved ones. I am reminded that they are awesome and that the support I get beyond words !!!

I also had a scan in December that showed something of concern so another was ordered for January. Although the new growth started about the size of a pinky nail and was at first thought to be nothing more than possible scar tissue but the scan in January shows it has grown by 50%. For now we are just watching it and give my body a rest from treatments. I am have resolved that no matter what I am going to live life to the fullest and that every day is a blessing !!! Not really worried but for now re-thinking future plans and going to focus on all the other great things I have going on!!!

I am blessed to have all the opportunities that I have with my work at the center. Truly feels like I am doing what I love doing and the impact I can share is well EPIC…as of late I have started taking on more of a leadership role and love it. The board is composed of such wonderful people and they make my life wonderful. The people I meet along the way inspire me and all I can do is look back at my life 2 years ago and ponder how come I did not do what I am doing now sooner.

I have had the opportunity to attend The Peace and Economic Justice Conference this month and it was great to meet so many great people and learn so much. I have also been attending the INBA lunches and those are great networking times. Another project of mine has been working on a resolution in the city for marriage equality along with the work I have done for marriage equality state wide. I have found my calling and it feels great !!!

I was blessed this week to get to spend time with my best friend who came down from Canada and it was good to see him finding his own happiness.  Lots of smiles and good times were had and another reminder of the awesome people that are part of my life.

Over all I am a happy camper and other than balancing rest with all this wonderful stuff I do I must say I am loving life to the fullest !!!!

 

Cheers !!!

The Real Meaning of Gay: VIDEO

The Real Meaning of Gay: VIDEO

9/15/2011 Self Acceptance….An Ongoing Work In Progress….

Something that has been on my brain the last few days is the topic of self acceptance. I know that my brain travels in all kinds of crazy directions and at times I know that I over think things or rather I look at things from every possible angle and well this very topic has been on my brain. I know that there are others in the same boat…we all can look at ourselves and find things to improve and I think that is a good thing that we really all are a work in progress and is that not what makes life so great ??

I guess where I am going with this thought is the thought we all can fall prey to. For some its “ I wish I was taller” “ Made more money” and so on. In my slice of life this is the thoughts on 2 fronts: The pursuit of happiness and what my future holds. February 2010 when I was diagnosed with cancer my life changed on a dime and although not in the plan previously I was faced with re-thinking everything I had known to be so. Suddenly I was looking at everything I had known and was changing up things. Now do not get me wrong in many ways I am blessed in some round about way with this process as I feel like I have grown as a person and with out doubt I was not happy with many of the directions my life was taking me so this chance to make changes has been a good thing. I have met many wonderful people as a result of all of this and now feel like I am do things in my life that matter that I am reaching my mission of what I was supposed to do and in the process I am giving back to this great world as result.

Where I am at a cross roads is with what the future holds. I have been one who was always a work centered person and so much of my productivity was with my work. Now or hopefully for now that has changed. I am learning how to be good with me and not working. Admittedly I feel that my efforts with The Inland Northwest LGBT Center and Destinations of Spokane are efforts worthy of the time I spend on them. It is however different and yes to be honest the adjustment to living on far less than I used to make has at times been a challenge. I know that it is all part and parcel of the direction life has taken me and so I will learn to adjust.

The other part of all of this for me has been the pursuit of happiness. This has been a bigger challenge for me and one that I am grasping to find answers for. I love and adore all of my friends dearly, But it has been mentioned to me recently that I may be living in the past in some ways and although I like to think otherwise, I am starting to wonder if this idea may very well have some truth to it. Just when I thought I was well past all of that it looks like it may be creeping back into my life….Life has provided me with some very one of a kind experiences on more than one occasion and to be honest I think I have tasted how all of that is and can be and I may be looking for more by the way of reverting back to happy thoughts of those times with current day experiences. This train of thought has gotten me to ask myself just what it is I want and to also question my directions I am seeking for this. For me this is where the self acceptance plays a part…. I need to learn that all life is handing me is perhaps what or how it is supposed to be and I need to get past the thoughts of my life or rather my chances for that happiness are not over at age 40… I will work towards this goal. I will reflect daily on those little moments of greatness and I shall appreciate them for what they are…I will never forget all that was great in the past, rather I shall start viewing them in perspective and work to combat the urge to only seek out more of the same and as my friends and family have said to me let life happen and what will be what is right will happen…I shall never loose help rather I will try hard to be trying so hard. Not going to be easy as this goes against everything my life has always been but a challenge I can take on.

To wrap this up I think we as humans are all prone to the what if or the I wish I was…when we can learn to accept ourselves for who and what we are then and only then we can make the changes we seek. This process is not always easy or fun…it leads to many negative things at times, but if we try hard every day to love ourselves for who and what we are then the road to the goal is much easier to travel. Smile to yourself and affirm that you are one very special and beautiful person as you are !!! Corny but remind yourself how much you love you !!! When we can do that then we can love others !!! 

9/11/2011 A Tribute….

 

I have pondering what to do as for a tribute to those who lost their lives ten years ago and also for me today this has been a day of reflection for those no longer here in general. I toast those who make life so great and have in the process have defended the rights and freedoms I so enjoy. I remember the day clear as it was yesterday. I was in Canada and I got a call as I was getting ready for work…so I turned the TV on and was overwhelmed by what I saw. I went to work and since I was the American working there they were all in dis-belief as I was…. not to my knowledge was anyone I personally knew was there but still it was surreal to say the least. All day the chilling news updates…any how I guess it will always be a day that stands out in my mind. I also thought about the day that I found out those close to me had passed…again days that will forever stand out in my mind. All of this reminds me just how short life really is and how much I appreciate so many. From the ones I know to those who protect the freedoms that I have, really we all have. Life is short so live it to the fullest and remind those close to you what they mean to you because its so important !!!

Was it all worth it ??? ( Is it… YES IT IS !! )

 

For me life is a journey and music inspires me on my adventures and todays entry is based on a song that really sums that up for me. The song is “ Was it all worth it” A great Queen Song. At the end of this entry I have included a link to the video and the song lyrics so you can see what I mean. I will take some artistic liberties and change was it to is it but at the end of the day YES IT IS WORTH IT !!!

One of my morning ( and thru out the day most days ) routines is to have my coffee and catch up on my social network feeds. I am always inspired and motivated by the things my friends post. Yes sometimes its not always positive and in those cases I am reminded that what ever less than positive things I may be feeling or going thru are not so bad…that really there is so much in life that I am grateful for. Often times I get the chance to smile at something posted that gives me cause to do so or to comment and congratulate some one on something posted. I am proud to call all my friends family because that is what they are to me and once again I am reminded how great life is and how lucky I am to know the people I do.

Chemo is getting more challenging and even when I am feeling run down all I have to do is read or connect with all of you and I am once again reminded that life is challenging me but in the end this is worth the fight !!!! My brother sent me a card this week that really sums this up. The card has the slogan on the front : “ Stay Calm and Carry On “ He then wrote in the card “ The Brits first perused the slogan…but you live and exude it daily. Get healthy and Keep on Keeping On ! “  Well needless to say this is so true and it got me inspired to think hey that is me and I so do that !!! There is just one example of how all of you inspire me. I also quite enjoy the comments you all leave to any update of status or blog post I post. They inspire me to !!! So On this Friday I will take time as I go on with the day and remind myself that YES its all worth it and look forward to many more years filled with awesome people and life adventures that make my life so wonderful and so worth any road block put in my way !!!

TGIF Smile as much as possible because life is a beautiful thing and the people in it are like a rare gem. It really is worth it !!!!

Video Link : http://youtu.be/p0q_IJLKhFA

Song Lyrics:

What is there left for me to do in this life
Did I achieve what I had set in my sights
Am I a happy man or is this sinking sand
Was it all worth it was it all worth it
Yeah now hear my story let me tell you about it
We bought a drum kit blew my own trumpet
Played the circuit thought we were perfect
Was it all worth it
Giving all my heart and soul and staying up all night
Was it all worth it
Living breathing rocknroll a godforsaken life
Was it all worth it was it all worth it all these years
Put down our money without counting the cost
It didnt matter if we won if we lost
Yes we were vicious yes we could kill
Yes we were hungry yes we were brill
We served a purpose like a bloody circus
We were so dandy we love you madly
Was it all worth it
Living breathing rocknroll this godforsaken life
Was it all worth it was it all worth it
When the hurly burlys done
We went to bali saw God and dali
So mystic surrealistic
Was it all worth it yeah yeah
Giving all my heart and soul staying up all night
Was it all worth it
Living breathing rocknroll this never ending fight
Was it all worth it was it all worth it
Yes it was a worthwhile experience
It was worth it