The Real Meaning of Gay: VIDEO

The Real Meaning of Gay: VIDEO

9/15/2011 Self Acceptance….An Ongoing Work In Progress….

Something that has been on my brain the last few days is the topic of self acceptance. I know that my brain travels in all kinds of crazy directions and at times I know that I over think things or rather I look at things from every possible angle and well this very topic has been on my brain. I know that there are others in the same boat…we all can look at ourselves and find things to improve and I think that is a good thing that we really all are a work in progress and is that not what makes life so great ??

I guess where I am going with this thought is the thought we all can fall prey to. For some its “ I wish I was taller” “ Made more money” and so on. In my slice of life this is the thoughts on 2 fronts: The pursuit of happiness and what my future holds. February 2010 when I was diagnosed with cancer my life changed on a dime and although not in the plan previously I was faced with re-thinking everything I had known to be so. Suddenly I was looking at everything I had known and was changing up things. Now do not get me wrong in many ways I am blessed in some round about way with this process as I feel like I have grown as a person and with out doubt I was not happy with many of the directions my life was taking me so this chance to make changes has been a good thing. I have met many wonderful people as a result of all of this and now feel like I am do things in my life that matter that I am reaching my mission of what I was supposed to do and in the process I am giving back to this great world as result.

Where I am at a cross roads is with what the future holds. I have been one who was always a work centered person and so much of my productivity was with my work. Now or hopefully for now that has changed. I am learning how to be good with me and not working. Admittedly I feel that my efforts with The Inland Northwest LGBT Center and Destinations of Spokane are efforts worthy of the time I spend on them. It is however different and yes to be honest the adjustment to living on far less than I used to make has at times been a challenge. I know that it is all part and parcel of the direction life has taken me and so I will learn to adjust.

The other part of all of this for me has been the pursuit of happiness. This has been a bigger challenge for me and one that I am grasping to find answers for. I love and adore all of my friends dearly, But it has been mentioned to me recently that I may be living in the past in some ways and although I like to think otherwise, I am starting to wonder if this idea may very well have some truth to it. Just when I thought I was well past all of that it looks like it may be creeping back into my life….Life has provided me with some very one of a kind experiences on more than one occasion and to be honest I think I have tasted how all of that is and can be and I may be looking for more by the way of reverting back to happy thoughts of those times with current day experiences. This train of thought has gotten me to ask myself just what it is I want and to also question my directions I am seeking for this. For me this is where the self acceptance plays a part…. I need to learn that all life is handing me is perhaps what or how it is supposed to be and I need to get past the thoughts of my life or rather my chances for that happiness are not over at age 40… I will work towards this goal. I will reflect daily on those little moments of greatness and I shall appreciate them for what they are…I will never forget all that was great in the past, rather I shall start viewing them in perspective and work to combat the urge to only seek out more of the same and as my friends and family have said to me let life happen and what will be what is right will happen…I shall never loose help rather I will try hard to be trying so hard. Not going to be easy as this goes against everything my life has always been but a challenge I can take on.

To wrap this up I think we as humans are all prone to the what if or the I wish I was…when we can learn to accept ourselves for who and what we are then and only then we can make the changes we seek. This process is not always easy or fun…it leads to many negative things at times, but if we try hard every day to love ourselves for who and what we are then the road to the goal is much easier to travel. Smile to yourself and affirm that you are one very special and beautiful person as you are !!! Corny but remind yourself how much you love you !!! When we can do that then we can love others !!! 

9/11/2011 A Tribute….

 

I have pondering what to do as for a tribute to those who lost their lives ten years ago and also for me today this has been a day of reflection for those no longer here in general. I toast those who make life so great and have in the process have defended the rights and freedoms I so enjoy. I remember the day clear as it was yesterday. I was in Canada and I got a call as I was getting ready for work…so I turned the TV on and was overwhelmed by what I saw. I went to work and since I was the American working there they were all in dis-belief as I was…. not to my knowledge was anyone I personally knew was there but still it was surreal to say the least. All day the chilling news updates…any how I guess it will always be a day that stands out in my mind. I also thought about the day that I found out those close to me had passed…again days that will forever stand out in my mind. All of this reminds me just how short life really is and how much I appreciate so many. From the ones I know to those who protect the freedoms that I have, really we all have. Life is short so live it to the fullest and remind those close to you what they mean to you because its so important !!!

Was it all worth it ??? ( Is it… YES IT IS !! )

 

For me life is a journey and music inspires me on my adventures and todays entry is based on a song that really sums that up for me. The song is “ Was it all worth it” A great Queen Song. At the end of this entry I have included a link to the video and the song lyrics so you can see what I mean. I will take some artistic liberties and change was it to is it but at the end of the day YES IT IS WORTH IT !!!

One of my morning ( and thru out the day most days ) routines is to have my coffee and catch up on my social network feeds. I am always inspired and motivated by the things my friends post. Yes sometimes its not always positive and in those cases I am reminded that what ever less than positive things I may be feeling or going thru are not so bad…that really there is so much in life that I am grateful for. Often times I get the chance to smile at something posted that gives me cause to do so or to comment and congratulate some one on something posted. I am proud to call all my friends family because that is what they are to me and once again I am reminded how great life is and how lucky I am to know the people I do.

Chemo is getting more challenging and even when I am feeling run down all I have to do is read or connect with all of you and I am once again reminded that life is challenging me but in the end this is worth the fight !!!! My brother sent me a card this week that really sums this up. The card has the slogan on the front : “ Stay Calm and Carry On “ He then wrote in the card “ The Brits first perused the slogan…but you live and exude it daily. Get healthy and Keep on Keeping On ! “  Well needless to say this is so true and it got me inspired to think hey that is me and I so do that !!! There is just one example of how all of you inspire me. I also quite enjoy the comments you all leave to any update of status or blog post I post. They inspire me to !!! So On this Friday I will take time as I go on with the day and remind myself that YES its all worth it and look forward to many more years filled with awesome people and life adventures that make my life so wonderful and so worth any road block put in my way !!!

TGIF Smile as much as possible because life is a beautiful thing and the people in it are like a rare gem. It really is worth it !!!!

Video Link : http://youtu.be/p0q_IJLKhFA

Song Lyrics:

What is there left for me to do in this life
Did I achieve what I had set in my sights
Am I a happy man or is this sinking sand
Was it all worth it was it all worth it
Yeah now hear my story let me tell you about it
We bought a drum kit blew my own trumpet
Played the circuit thought we were perfect
Was it all worth it
Giving all my heart and soul and staying up all night
Was it all worth it
Living breathing rocknroll a godforsaken life
Was it all worth it was it all worth it all these years
Put down our money without counting the cost
It didnt matter if we won if we lost
Yes we were vicious yes we could kill
Yes we were hungry yes we were brill
We served a purpose like a bloody circus
We were so dandy we love you madly
Was it all worth it
Living breathing rocknroll this godforsaken life
Was it all worth it was it all worth it
When the hurly burlys done
We went to bali saw God and dali
So mystic surrealistic
Was it all worth it yeah yeah
Giving all my heart and soul staying up all night
Was it all worth it
Living breathing rocknroll this never ending fight
Was it all worth it was it all worth it
Yes it was a worthwhile experience
It was worth it

8/29/2011 : Follow up

 

So much has happened today and as a result I reached out to a friend and once again I think I am settled down…yeah today some good happened and was accomplished and yet I got things going on that make me question once again why do I try so hard. Well mix it all up and I was on overdrive…Well thanks to my friend Jason and a very useful conversation I am once again in the right head space that I need to be…The love I want so badly will happen when it does and I am need to just let it happen as it will…I cannot rush this one nor do I want to…I am back at a point of a solid head space…I am not going to go into details but know this I can see complete clarity and I am so ok with this. As my friend would say I have the kind of person I so desire will come to me when the time I right and to never rush it…..Yeah I am too human and super impatient but there is no need to as being 40 is not a curse !!!!

Guess today has also provided more material for my book !! So looking forward to a day filled of writing !!!

 

Mega Hugs to all of you

Love in a crazy world...what it all means a perspective

In thinking about life and what I want out of it I have been thinking of what it all means and what I want. For me this is a subject that I have been pondering fro some time and have had my fair share of experiences on the subject. Being the hopeless romantic that I am I watch love stories and as much as I know that they are fiction I still sometimes find myself pondering what the meaning of it all is. I guess in some ways I am still hoping and holding out for the great romance that I see in the stories. I also model my life in many ways from the relationship my late grand parents had. I am very realistic about what I want and despite the pipe dream moments I am very grounded about love and I would like to think that I am not jaded either. Some would say I am trying too hard...that my desire to have this is causing me to over look it...I sometimes ponder this...I also am of the mind set that if I do not try at all then I will never know what could be the one. So in the spirit of that I posted the question on a discussion board about this very thing. See for me I have been in love in my life more than once and have been blessed to have had more than 1 long term relationship. The last one was a great 6 years of my life and he is still my best friend. Where I sometimes get cause for concern is that he was the last relationship I had that was everything I could want. For those who do not know I spent several years post Jack dating all the wrong people for all the wrong reasons...I will gladly take the blame for mistakes made and I know where I am too easy to rush things. That is why for the last 27 months I have been celibate. I found that I was rushing and that if maybe I for once did things the old fashioned way I might just find better luck. So any ways I posted the question and as a result I got some very encouraging feedback and I really think that more than anything I guess I needed a confirmation of what I already know. This past weekend I was chatting with the one I am currently seeing and he commented on how great it was to have had a dear friend from another city come for the weekend. The more we talked I found out how he was feeling isolated and that got me thinking about this subject. I also came to the conclusion that once again my own fast track thinking was coming into play.  I have been pondering things and I think I have been in my own mind over thinking things again. Its odd how it sometimes takes a self clarity moment to see what is in front of me and to tell myself stop and smell the roses. I am a firm believer that we are all designed to be partnered up and yes there is such a thing as love at first sight and that there is also the kind of love that comes in time and grows from there. So what to do is balance it all. Easier said than done. What  I found very comforting is that there are many good people out there and my thoughts are not just mine. I sometimes wonder if we are molded and shaped to believe or conditioned to seek out the ideal type and I wonder how much we over look the perfect person in out search  of the ideal looks wise ???  For me I am all about the personality 1st. I admit there has to be be some physical attraction but there has to be a dynamic personality there to get my attention. The best advise I have gotten on this subject is that  I need to let life happen and along the way I will find just what is that will be in my life. I shall continue to watch romantic movies and yet I shall be realistic that the little things the count and I may never have the Hollywood moment I still will find some one special and when the time is right it shall be !!! Just having faith that somewhere someday I shall have the happiness and who knows I may have found that and just is too soon to tell...either way it shall be great and I am going to enjoy the journey along the way !!!  

Life As I Know It :-): July 19th 2011 Life thoughts and perspectives…..

Life As I Know It :-): July 19th 2011 Life thoughts and perspectives…..: "Been a long time since I have blogged and I am so over due to do so that this will be a longer entry but along the way I think I should be a..."

July 19th 2011 Life thoughts and perspectives…..

Been a long time since I have blogged and I am so over due to do so that this will be a longer entry but along the way I think I should be able to catch up on all that has been going in in my life and the journey that is life for me.

Today I find out about my PET Scan Results. About 6 weeks or so ago I had a routine CT Scan and during that scan 2 new nodules showed up. One is a 2.5 cm oval hypo dense mass in the anterior inferior pancreatic head and the other is an enlarged lymph node at the base of the small bowel mesentery measuring 1.3 cm short axis. Heart lungs and bones show nothing. My concern with it is the one in the pancreases. Pancreatic cancer is not fun and although there is not a definitive to this being that it none the less worries me as that really is the last thing I want. The Pet Scan is the determination if the new nodules are cancer or not. I am not scared if they found cancer cause this is far less than what was found before but none the less cause for concern. More about my cancer journey is found here : http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/matthewcannon

I am going in with a dear friend who was not going to let me do this on my own. Russ is a great guy and has been a bright spot in my life and more about him later. I will keep everyone updated as I find out what the out come is. From the sounds of things it will be more radiation for me if this is cancer and I am ready for that if so…I am a trooper and I plan to be around for many years to come so I am sure not going to let this stop me !!! Wow just was reading my guest book and its so amazing the support I have from family, friends and people near and dear to me your all family to me and its such an honor to have you in my life all of you !!!!

Life has been busy for me in so many wonderful ways and I so appreciate it too !!! Although my plans to return to college have been derailed or put on hold for now I am doing so much good and I am happy to give back for all that I have been given. I was elected to the board of directors for The Inland Northwest LGBT Center this spring and I am loving the position. So much good we are accomplishing and I am meeting so many awesome people in the process. In May we had a tremendously successful fundraiser With Wicked and Monte Carlo Night. In June we had PRIDE and that was an awesome time. I spent the day filming the sights and sounds and am working on a documentary with the footage. I also was heavily involved with the June edition of Ins & Outs The centers publication www.insandouts.org , I am also the volunteer organizer and serve on the fundraising, out reach committees as well as staffing the center 3 days a week and facilitator of a couple of groups. All and all I love what I am doing and so cannot wait to see where the future takes me with the AWESOME people I serve on the board with. The 2 websites mentioned in this paragraph I over see and love using my technical skills in that way. Now to get my own website up and running…all in time. The Center’s website is www.thelgbtcenter.org Check them out and tell me what you think !!!!

Life has been awesome of my great friends and I continue to host movie nights and game nights with the group Destinations of Spokane. I am so enriched by my friends and they make me smile and laugh often and in general I am very blessed to have them in my life. Dating life has been interesting to say the least. I was seeing Brett and that was all good until 8 or so weeks ago when I no longer was spending any time with him. In that time I saw him one Sunday with the walking group Destinations holds and 2 minutes at PRIDE. Well About 2 weeks ago I started seeing the handwriting on the wall and came to terms that it was not to be so I have moved on with my life. Its been little over a week since I met Russ and he is one kind and gentle soul. Wednesday I made him dinner and we talked for hours. Last Thursday we had dinner at The Steam Plant Grill and had a great time. Then he came into town Friday and joined us for movie night as well as He and I having drinks out at Dempsey's Brass Rail. Sunday we spent the day wandering Manito park and dinner and a movie here. He is the one that is accompanying me today for my follow up with Dr.Kaya. Its been so nice to have such a wonderful person in my life. A good balance from me who is all kinds of over the top. I am living life one day at a time and loving every moment of it too !!!

SO to end this on a great note I will say that I am so grateful for every waking day and looking forward to many more years ahead of me. I love and adore all of you and with out you all my life would be not nearly as much fun or as great. You all inspire me in so many ways and you all are the treasures in my life that mean the most !!! I will blog tomorrow with the results or you can see them on Caringbridge either way more to follow and may this inspire me to blog more again cause I do so love doing it !!!

Sunday 5/8/2011 A Celebration of Mom’s

Today I reflect fondly on mom. I am blessed to have more than one mother figure and I cherish all that they have done for me. I think back to the times when Mom was there for me, the skinned knees, the heart break, my cancer journey. Mom has always been there. As I get older I really treasure her and the advise…even if at times I have to reflect on it as I admit that at times I may not get it at first but as I think about it I adopt it. I am taking today and thinking of mom and all she continues to do for me. She only wants me to be happy and bless her for that. So to Mom and the mother figures in my life today I celebrate you !!! I am nothing with out the love and support you give me. I admire you, your strength and support un-conditionally and for ever. I LOVE YOU !!!!

Wednesday 4/27/2011 Stop and Smell the flowers :-)

 

This week has been full of progress and in all that is good comes time to stop and smell the flowers. I have started the adjustment ( a good one ) to all that is my crazy world and I remind myself every day to stop and appreciate the little things. I am finding that in all my excitement to help shape change and pave the road to greatness I need to stop and take stock in all that I am accomplishing. I am not only a type A personality I am also an over achiever and so for me I am finding this urge to commit myself to everything that comes my way. I also realize that I need to take down time so what I am doing is finding the balance. Is balance not what is it all about ???

Spring has arrived and along with green blooms and the grass showing signs of new life it is a time of new possibilities. Every day I am blessed with little things that mean so much. I just want to give a shout out to all of you for bringing such joy to my world.

In other exciting news I have met and have been getting to know a really wonderful and kind person who brings me so much joy and happiness. Brett has been a wonderful breath of fresh air and is also hope that indeed there are out there good guys. I am taking this one slow ( tough for over the top me ) and enjoying the getting to know and quality time spent with him. I have also found thru meeting him a new friend Steven and am also enjoying fun times ahead with my new friend.

I will wrap this up and get on to the task for today but look forward to a great rest of the week to include movie night at my house this week. It will be a great time and as always a few laughs along the way. I hope that the week has been great for all of you and that it only continues to get better !!!

Life As I Know It :-): Sunday 4/17/2011 Hello World….Bring It On !!!

Life As I Know It :-): Sunday 4/17/2011 Hello World….Bring It On !!!: "Today I was pondering on the topic and it came to me doing something I enjoy doing…lying in bed half awake, half a sleep…funny how much clar..."

Sunday 4/17/2011 Hello World….Bring It On !!!

Today I was pondering on the topic and it came to me doing something I enjoy doing…lying in bed half awake, half a sleep…funny how much clarity and perspective can happen during in that time. For today I am filled with thoughts about love and the many ways of love. Not the stuff written about in paperback books but the many ways we experience love.

So as of late I have started seeing my vision of life and I love it…yes I can give back for all the wonderful things that life has offered me. This week I had a routine check up with my oncologist and he made comment about what a miracle it was that I was here and doing so well. He actually used the term remission for the first time and this made me pause and think about how wonderful it is that I am doing so well. To go from stage 4 cancer to remission in a year and change is a wonderful thing ! I got thinking that at the same time as I was getting such news things were shaping up in the directions that I want and I had an “Ah Ha “ moment and thought I am truly loving life !!! Just one of the many ways I love life.

This week I also met with the great people that work for Cancer Patient Care and I am really excited to be helping out with them as well as I found out that I can get some of my education credits by volunteering there. I am really excited and I feel like this will be an association that will help me with my journey in education. I suspect that the connections I am making now there will bring be connections down the road to employment with social work and cancer patients. A score in my world and again I am loving it !!!!

This week also was great in terms of my work with the LGBT Center and I also feel that will be a resource that will bring me connections for future use. I am so loving the work I am doing and the good that will come from that. I was part of the crew yesterday to start the parade float. I am so excited to see that become some thing and am looking forward to helping turn nothing into something visible and something that will help spread the word. I also have stepped up to be help with volunteer coordination. I am looking forward to taking on that challenge and turning a process in to a well oiled process. Its exciting to see baby steps and knowing that I am helping shape something good.  I also attended a great workshop on racial discrimination this week presented by progress Spokane. It felt good to learn and to network with other like minds. Getting my name out there as a represented of the center was awesome too. This week I also committed to getting certified with video editing as a part of the community television station here and am looking forward to helping produce some promotional videos for The center, Equality Spokane, Destinations, and what ever else I find in that arena. I miss being involved with video and television and this will be an inroad to that again. So all and all I am loving this new lease on life !!!

This week I have reflected on how special my friends and family are. It’s the little things that mean the world to me. I get such a charge off the comments made on facebook and so enjoy the conversations I am having with them on the phone. I am so blessed and loving life to the fullest. Wow I am blessed and I will never forget or take advantage of it !! You all inspire me so much !!!

I want to touch on some sadness this week. This week a dear person left us. Gordon Wakefield is the dad of my best friend and was dear friend of mine. Recently his health turned and somehow that storm was weathered. Well Gordon you are going to be missed and the world is not the same with out you. My heart goes out to the family during this time. My step son Joshua is progressing great after open heart surgery. He is home recovering nicely. TO my friend RIchard I send continued sunshine thoughts as he starts new directions in his life and I hope that some good comes his way. Hang in there my friend its your year too !!! For my friend Shawn my thoughts and prayers continue as you deal with your mom’s post stroke affects. I know you are being tested in ways that are not fun and know I am here for you !! I also am sending prayers and good thoughts to Eunice and Curtis as Curtis continues to deal with a ruptured disk in his back. Get well soon we need you up and back to your glorious self !!!

Its been a great week and I am so loving it…Yes my dating life is also going great…. Lets just say that I am seeing someone very special and wonderful and he makes me smile

Life is awesome…go out live it and Love it !!!!

Be As - Prozzak

Life As I Know It :-): 4/12/2011 Finding My Place In This World: A Perspe...

Life As I Know It :-): 4/12/2011 Finding My Place In This World: A Perspe...: " Over the last 7-10 days I have engaged in many diverse conversations and I also have started becoming more active in many of the grou..."

4/12/2011 Finding My Place In This World: A Perspective

 

Over the last 7-10 days I have engaged in many diverse conversations and I also have started becoming more active in many of the groups I am a part of. In all of this I have done some thinking about finding my place in this world. I also have engaged in conversations with people that are centered around this very subject so for today I want to touch on few of the thoughts.

Going thru life I think we are evolving and changing. A common thought that comes up is what is my place in the world ? For some they find that living a great life and blending in with the mainstream is for them fulfilling. Others find a life of being up front and in the spot light vital to their happiness. Some find that travel and little commitments to be the way to go. Others choose to change and flex. What ever we choose for our lives we have to know that we may run into detours and sometimes opposition to our choices. In the ideal world we would all get along and we all would be free to choose what we want with no opposition and with no regrets. I am very real that although ideal that is just no possible.

I have people in my life in the various ways they are who fit into many different groups. I learn valuable lessons from them and adapt some parts of my life with what I see working in theirs. I have also grown and changes my life as I have gotten older and re-evaluated what its most important in mine. I personally tend to be a more conservative person with some leanings to a more in the spotlight approach. For me its important to stand behind the various things I do and add my voice to them as needed. In doing so however I know that it is only part of the whole picture. I am a very dynamic person and my life is shaped of many unique and wonderful parts. I tend to be identified as me the whole person and not just of one part. Having said that I will ad times bring forward a part I feel I can be useful with.

A topic that came up is the idea of “out and proud”. I am very much that but in doing so I balance all the other parts of my being. For me its part of the meal, say the starch choice, along with the meat and the vegetables offered. I have some wonderful and very dear friends that take the approach that “out and proud” is the primary part of who they are. I am not anymore right in my ways then they are and by the same token I am no less, nor they are. There is a place in the wonderful world for all of us. I may not see things the way they do but still respect them for the choices they make. For me its all part of diversity and is the spice of life. The friends I mention are people that I work on many common shared interests and goals. Between my conservative approach and their more vocal approach we are accomplishing goals and the same goals are being met. I have been struggling with this idea for some time now and trying to find the balance in my world for me. Part of me likes the involvement and I am finding this is the time for me to be involved. I am finding just where I draw the line for me and me alone. To those people I welcome their approach as they are the voice in areas I choose not to be. What I find perplexing however is that although well intentioned and wonderful people, they are wanting something that is not what the masses may want.  They will get upset that some how in all this progress we are no longer being a group on the fringes but more a part of the masses. I remind them that there always will be ways that we can get together and be as one group but that the rest of the time we are part of the masses and that is not bad. What I am finding frustrating is that some want their cake and to eat it too. I struggle with that because I know that is not how it goes and for the greater good of all equal rights is about becoming a part of mainstream and allowing our individual personality's shine as an added bonus. We are all unique to begin with and that is what makes the world so diverse and so wonderful.

When I look in the mirror I see me…All of me “ warts and all” as my mom says. Its so true I am made up of many things.I see all of them. To find my place in this world I need to look at myself and be honest with myself. I also need to look at the world I live in and rules of the game. Does this mean I may not be a part of changing a few outdated ones ? no it means that I shape who I am with my personal goals as well as the rules of the game.

To all of my beloved friends and family I say this: I adore you for who you are “warts and all” Your diverse personalities help shape my views. We may not agree on all points of view all the time but I still love and adore you none the less. In my world that is one thing that does not change. Be who you want to be, understanding that in doing so you may bring attention to yourself and your choices but that is the spice of life and what makes this world such a great place to be in. Know I am here for you no matter what and always will be. Lets all join together and make the world an even brighter place . Remember that in a bag of skittles you can taste the rainbow and that with only one flavor they are not skittles. Together under the rainbow ( or over the rainbow ) there is a place for all of us !!!!

Smile it’s a beautiful thing.

Tuesday 3/29/2011 Perspectives………..

As I have not been blogging much and really the reason why will be spelled out in todays entry. I will start with a DISCLAIMER: I am in no way intending to offend anyone, simply I am hoping that I can explain the why of this. Again I cherish the friendships I have and have come to a point of overload on this and need to explain this in a way that will reach the masses in one way all at once. Ok on with the topic of my brain today: Internet chat and how it can consume a person.

As of the late I am finding myself more and more over connected to the cyber world. I have 4 computers and web on my cell phone. All of this can be a handy tool. Indeed I use the internet for research and knowledge. I use social networking for a voice and really a part of communication for the many projects I have gotten myself involved with. I have also found that I am starting to get to the point that I am not accomplishing what I want to get done. I am finding that I am not watching as many movies as I would like, that some of the research I have chosen to do is not getting done. Why ? because of chat. Facebook, MSN, Yahoo they all are great communication tools but as of late I am spending too many hours wasted just chatting and although some of that is in regards to what I want to do, its mainly time wasted. I wake each day and my routine is to start coffee and fire up the e-mail and Facebook. I used to be able to catch up on e-mail and read my activity feed on Facebook all in about an hour. I subscribe to many groups so its not un-common to have hundreds of e-mail and Facebook posts to read and respond or forward on. Well I am finding that more and more I am engaging in chat more. Now I know I am starting this as much as others seeing me being on line and starting the conversation, however going forward I think its time for a time out if you will, so I will start going off line with the chat when I first get on. I will go thru the e-mail and the wall posts and then if the day allows I will go on line for chat. I am also going to make a point of not planting myself on line at night with the laptop on my lap when I wish to watch a movie or TV program. I am not being mean or un-kind…its simply a need change as I get going more and more with the various projects I am working on, I will need some solid time away from chat. I will allow myself the time but it will be more limited. Also Please understand that I am going to be more limited on phone time too. I have allowed mindless hours spent chatting on the phone and I need to scale that back….I am not a huge phone person and despite the fact that I have both a landline and a cell phone, I am not interested in spending hours on the phone for no reason. Again I am not trying to be mean….I simply have things that I am engaged in outside of the world of time wasting. Come this fall I will be at full load with school and the continuation of my various projects and I want everyone to get used to the fact that I am no longer available for just chat. I have to manage my time better. So please understand that I am doing this because I need some more time in directions other than the net.

So to sum up my thoughts I will say this: Please understand that I love and respect all of my friends, however my time spent being un-productive has to be scaled back. I need to re-gain the focus of the many things I have going and I need to limit my time spent just chatting. I will be very kind in my ways but will draw a line in the sand when I have reached the end of my allocated time. I am going to be more aggressive with myself and the time I spend just wasting time. Lets make a point of keeping in touch so that when I am around to connect it is time well spent and that I am just finding that all this time I have been spending being available 24/7 has to stop as I am not eating as I should and not accomplishing all that I want to. Understand I am doing this with the understanding I have allowed this..I blame me for this and I simply need to re-allocate the time I have in a better way so that at the end of a day I have balanced my day to include the commitments I have made and to get some rest in too. Life is crazy enough with out me adding to that by trying to be everything to everyone all the time. I will more appreciate the time I do spend in chat but it will no longer be my all day thing. I will start including more of what I want and need to get done in my days as well as the mindless time.

Tuesday 3/22/2011

 

Today I go in for phase 1 of complete dental correction. I have been asked if I am anxious about this and no not really…having been through what I have last year this is nothing in comparison. I am excited to having this done and am looking forward to yet another goal done.

I also am getting more perspective on life and am one step closer to letting go of negative energy in my life. For too long I was hoping for something un-realistic. I would get very anxious at family gatherings and I can see the light…they are never going to lead the life I do and I am going to let go of thinking they will ever fully get me so to speak. Diversity is what makes the world go around and I am embracing this on the family level. For me to put things in perspective makes even the unpleasant workable and today thanks to my mom and a long conversation I can. I also will challenge some notions and prove that despite what they may think I can lead a full life just as mine is or where I choose to take it. Now I can see things in the way I can move forward.

In other un-related news I ask you keep in your thoughts and prayers my step son Joshua. I found out that he is going in for open heart surgery on the 31st. Being a teen he is dealing well with it but for the rest of us it is a pretty scary thing. If I could I would go to Vancouver in support , but will be kept updated.

I have to get ready to go so I will post as it is. Hope your week has been wonderful so far and that  there are many reasons to smile as its such a good thing !!

3/17/2011 Happy Saint Patrick's Day !!!

So today is the day of green Green clothing, green with envy, Green food and Green Beer. So what is all mean…not just today but every day ??? I bring thus because my friend Dean posed the question today relating to gay friendly business vers straight friendly. I take it one step further. I reflect on my advocacy of DOMA and Marriage Equality. I for one would like to see the day that I and my brothers and sisters of the GLBT community no longer have stand up for equal rights. I would cherish the day that we all could stand as one with out the labels. So I am gay…that is a small part of the whole picture. It was not a choice other than the choice to live my life open and honestly and that started with being honest with myself. I long for the day there is one race and that is the human race.  I can only imagine right now what it would be like if I no longer had to stand on my soap box like so many and demand that I have the same rights, freedoms and protections. I reflect on Harvey Milk and what he did, the Stonewall Riots, What MLK did…People standing up and saying they were no longer tolerate the hate, the second class status…I look forward to the day that Gay’s and Lesbians no longer need to have Pride parades, that many of the things we have now that are separate are no more. So today as you celebrate all that is green, take a minute and think about all you have in your life, no not the things you own but the rights and freedoms that you have and appreciate what you do have and look to the future. We cannot change the world if we cannot change our own selves…Change starts at home and from there you can change the world. I know not everyone is going to stand up be counted in the fight for equal rights but what about in yourself ?? In the end its all about human rights is it not ??

John Lennon So Beautifully Said it in His Song Imagine:

Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today...
Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace...
You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one
Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...
You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one

Monday 3/14/2011 A New Week A Fresh Start :-)

 

Today has started out good which hopefully is a sign that the week is going to be a good one. I slept somewhat better…woke 3 times and took a while to get to sleep but I slept in so I think that helped compensate…going to try taking my sleep medication before bed sooner than right at bed time and see if that helps make a difference. I know I feel much more rested and that part I am very grateful for. Today I am heading out to the LGBT center and I always have a good time there so I think this week is going to be a good one. I also have to start lining up school and I will start that tonight. I have a follow up with my GP this week and dinner with the family this weekend. All and all a busy but good week ahead.

I have processed the events of this weekend and I am ready to see where life takes me on that chapter in my life. I am peace with myself and the events of the weekend. Going baby steps as I know myself far too well and I know that if I over think things I will easily go over the top fast. I think sometimes in life we need to take a step back and just review all we have been presented with and just put that chapter on hold long enough to see what we are faced with and determine the next steps. I even went to sleep thinking about it. I am fully prepared either way and ready to give the time needed. I also have realized that hey its ok if its not the right time…that the time will come and when it does it will be beyond awesome. Have I given up no…some would say I should just move on…but I am in the mind set that giving up is defeat and what is in store for me will be played out. I am also ready to set some ground rules if it is to be. Going to take baby steps and hold firm on my ground. I am kind of excited at this challenge and hopefully that will remain true.

I am so happy to see the sunshine and although we have wind gusts it looks like spring is on the way and I am excited to see that and ready to start the spring clean up. I think the nicer weather will inspire me more to get outside and enjoy the weather and get some cardio in the process.

So I hope for you that the week is great and that all good will come this week…I know there are potential road blocks and less than happy times but over all the week is filled with smiles and happiness…As I say…smile it’s a beautiful thing

Walk Away - Christina Aguilera

Sunday 3/13/2011….Journeys in Life

 

Today is a sunny day and just what I need. Sleep was better but still I look forward to a good solid sleep. I still am waking more than I would like. I have been reflecting on life and the meaning of it only to conclude that there not really an answer. Life is a big adventure full of various journeys and learning experiences. Me being one that is a go getter I sometimes look for an answer when there is none…I am impatient I admit, I have ambitions and goals that I have to meet and feel like that I have not met them…I know that all in due time and that I need to stop and smell the flowers along the way. Ironic because I can tell my self this all the time and yet somehow I loose sight of this at times.

Recently I think I have been trying too hard on the dating and long term relationship I am after. Over achiever that I am I think I have been trying to hard and letting too much of my heart out too soon…I also think I need to see the warning signs and I have not been doing that. Well no more…I am going to start seeing things in better perspective. How can a long distance relationship really work ??? Yeah it was fun but dating requires the ability to spend time together and living 3000k miles apart will not help that. I am also going to really start watching for that “ I am not really ready “ to date sign. We all have been burned at one time or another and yet life moves on…and I guess for me I need more than the occasional phone call and e-mail…Which brings me to my next thought and I am not sure how I am going to achieve this….I need to put the breaks on my openness when it comes to my heart. I think that I am all too good at being able to express how I feel but for some this may be over the top. I know there is a balance between too little and too much…and I know that everybody is different. I need to find that balance and I guess I need to better read people to find where the comfort level is at. It has been a challenge  as with Doug I could be over the top he liked that and would in turn do the same. With Aaron he is more guarded and fearful. Less was better with him. Some where there is someone who is ready, someone who lives in the same town, some one who can express them selves and show their feelings. I know that I am not going to compromise and settle and yet I suppose in a way I am also not ready to give up..that I feel like if I do not try it will not happen. I guess I am setting my expectations a little more realistic. I have on line profiles again but am realistic that meeting on line is only the start…that there needs to be face to face time and getting to know someone starting as a friend. I am also looking forward to the possibilities that could be with my volunteering at the LGBT Center and with Cancer Patient Care. I am also looking forward to college…who knows there may be someone I meet that way…. Lots of options and that is always a good thing. I guess I just have to keep myself in check and not let my ambitions get the better part of me…easier said than done I know and it will challenge me and test me on many levels yet I need to try…as to not try and to give up is failure and that is not acceptable in my world.

Well just as I get ready to post this I check my in box and I have an e-mail from Aaron….He says the door is not closed and he just needs to figure things out. It proves my point that life is full of twists and turns. I replied that I never say never…that I am in flux and if it is to be than it will be. I am not sure where life is going to take me. I guess we shall see how this chapter of my life plays out. Interesting to say the least.

Have a Fab Sunday Everyone !!!

Saturday 3/12/2011 Reflections……

 

Well what a week it has been. Sleep has been less than what I would like, although I have a new medication for that and am hoping that soon it will really kick in and give me more normal sleep. I saw my GP Thursday and Friday I had a series of labs done so I interested in what he has to say next Thursday at the follow up.

In other news Aaron has been honest and is not ready for dating, I am disappointed but hey such is life…I will move on from this and I am wondering if I am trying too hard…could be. I wish him all the best in life and I am going to step back and look at all that is going good in life. I know that somewhere out there there is someone that will be the one and I think its going to happen when it is right. Spring is fast approaching and I will concentrate on that and just see where life takes me…I have so much coming up that I will just try and stay on course.

Today I have had 2 naps and after a bad nights sleep I still have gotten a few things done. I reaching the point however that my energy level is done…I guess one can only push so far…I will end this here and hopefully I will sleep good and have come to some conclusions on this funny thing called life. Once again I am being challenged and I will over come this with shining colors

Have a Great Saturday Night Everyone !

BARBRA STREISAND beautiful

"Sure Fire Winners" -- Adam Lambert [Lyrics]

Club 69 - Always Unique (Peter's Disko Mix)

Queen - It's A Beautiful Day

Christina Aguilera - Beautiful

Wednesday 3/9/2011

So today I woke again after almost 9 hours of sleep ( fitful for a time ) and I am feeling like a truck ran over me. I would kill for some really good sleep really I would and not sure what to do about that one as the drugs do not seem to help. I am also in a very emotional mood today and am crying for reasons I wish I could explain…Is it the bad sleep catching up with me, the crummy weather, I am not sure what it is and I just know that it is a good thing that today I have to be no where as I am not sure I am ready for the public today.

Still working on getting the medical stuff all worked out, but progress there is being made so all is good.

Today since there is little to talk about me I am going to give some kudos and mentions to a few people in my life. To my mom…for whom I think is at last getting over a cold that took 2 or so weeks to deal with…yeah mom !!!

To my friend Stuart who moved to PA for several reason ( the official and actual reasons vary, but hey be happy ). He had a super awesome weekend and really feels like he has met someone really special . I am always happy to see my friends happy

To my friend Richard who has so much on the plate that all I can say is he is making progress and as a dear friend I hope that he is going to find the path of happiness that he so desires. Sending smiles his way

To Jen who is going through some rough times with Marcus. Ok so he is a Cat but to here he is her child and there is not much more the vet can do so time is valuable each and every day. Hang in there Jen and enjoy every happy moment.

To My friend Doug who got the chance to not only volunteer for Bass Wars as part of the winter music festival but all got the chance to spin a set for the group of DJ’s there but was asked to join them again. Doug is a watchmaker by trade but also has ambitions to be a DJ so for him this was a great chance to network and it sounds like the weekend was epic for him so I am happy for him

My Sister got all moved and now has all the fun that comes with settling into a new place and finding all the odd ball things that you pack but then cannot remember where you packed them…I know she will be happy with this new place and the extra space will be of great help to her. Life is good for her or so I am gathering so that is good.

Well this weekend was quite the weekend and it seems more and more that any bump in the road is now clear with Aaron and he is slowly letting his guard down…I am so excited to see the side that is well protected. Have had a good phone call and e-mail exchanges. So there is hope on the horizon and I could not be happier So This Saturday is On and I am so excited !!!! He even posted something about it on his Facebook Wall….progress for my Care Bear…Love It

So today I will do all the random things that I need to get done and try to get an actual nap today all so tomorrow I am all set for the Doctor’s appointment….fun times

 

Hugs and Smiles for everyone !!!

Tuesday 3/8/2011 :-)

 

Today I have nothing that is pressing and yet it seems that the list of things that needs to be done is never ending…I am sure all can relate to that.

Yesterday was a good day at the center and although it was not very busy in all a good day. This weekend on Saturday we are having a training on conflict resolution and how to deal with situations.

Yesterday I got a CD I ordered on EBAY from Japan, now if the one from the UK would show up as it was ordered earlier and the other one from there ordered the same day already arrived…HMMM. Anyhow the one that came yesterday is a very rare one and to get a factory sealed one is a find. It was only released on CD in Japan for some reason so I am super excited.

Yesterday I also found out that our joyous government is terminating my medical coverage and once I accrue $1848 in medical bills or pay that out by July 31st then the coverage will continue. Um well needless to say I freaked….Sorry being disabled does not provide luxury living so having medical bills of the amount is crazy. I do not know how they figure that I can afford that. Anyhow I called my patient advocate at Cancer Care Northwest and she is on the case and figures if nothing else we fill out a financial hardship form and thus use the bills from there to send for the spend down and then CCNW write off the amount. I am so grateful for Francie…she has been a godsend in all of this and helpful to untangle the web that is government policy.

Needless it was an interesting day..Although I did get a chance to talk with Aaron on the phone and that is always a good thing so my day was not bad at all  

Despite the snow falling I am going to make Tuesday a great day and have lots of smiles Lets hope this is the last snow fall of the year !!! I am so ready for spring !!!

Monday 3/7/2011 Start Of Another Great Week :-)

Good Morning all !!! As we are at the start of another great week I wonder what will be in store for me this week. I love Monday because it is a chance to start over. I think that how the week starts will help shape the journey we will have for the rest of the week !

With today being Monday its my day to volunteer at the LGBT Center. I so enjoy the time I spend doing that. I am also working on a new article for Ins&Outs all about dating and my journey to find my life partner. I am also pondering starting a Men's Social group as I feel like there needs to be a way that gay men can meet outside of the bars. So on this front I have much going on and that is good !!!

The rest of the week is pretty open…I see my regular doctor on Thursday and Hopefully this Saturday will be the much delayed Pizza and Movie night with Aaron . The weather is nice and I may get out and start getting the outside ready for spring !!! The sunshine encourages me

I am also looking at taking on the journey of seeking out my family history. I have been working on that as a concept for sometime and it would be a great project to work on and hopefully have done come June when the family gets together and be able to share with them.

Speaking of family I had a great conversation with my cousin Zak recently and its good to keep in touch with family. As I get older I come to see the importance of them. Yeah sometimes we may not agree on things but more often than not I take away from the conversation something that I can use…I like to get advise and perspectives from many angles to form the basis of my opinions.

So to a new week full of new adventures…new learning experiences and in general smiles and happiness as that is what it is all about !!

Army of Lovers - Let the Sunshine In

Sunday 3/6/2011 A Day Of Positive Reflection :-)

 

Yesterday I learned a valuable lesson.It is also the inspiration for a multi part series I am composing for INs&Outs. Yesterday Aaron expressed to me his feelings and that things were going too fast for him and his fear of being hurt again. I had a near stroke ( ok in a manor of speaking ). I was very upset because he is such a special person and honestly all the things that I am looking for in a partner. With in 1 hour I was on the phone to mom for some great motherly advise and I love her dearly however some of her advise is outdated at best. I know that things happen for a reason and over time but being me I am not going to wait the rest of my life for the partner that I am seeking. Well After talking to mom Aaron calls and sent another e-mail. We had a good talk and have gotten past this little bump in the road. I guess the lesson learned is that going slow is a good thing and lots of communication is the key. His concerns were valid. I look around for roll models and there are none. I look at heterosexual people and their relationships…that is of some help but honestly its not always applicable. So often in my life the relationships I have had have been accelerated. We meet and right off the bat there is sexual relations. This one is different. This one is teaching me patience and I am growing as a person in the process. I am learning how to be re-assuring and learning not to joke about marriage. I am so wrapped up in the whole marriage equality and I made a joke about it…I even told him I was joking but he took it seriously. So I am no longer going to mention the subject for now, not even as a joke. I also reassured him that my cancer is being monitored like a hawk so if it returns it will be caught right away and I explained what they would do to get rid of it. Aaron is truly a special one in a million…he was scared of loosing me to the cancer. So in this journey I am going to be the most re-assuring and patient person….I also am letting him call the shots…I am moving at his pace, his direction. This has been a learning process for me as I am very strong willed and not one to sit back and let things happen..I make them happen…well for now I am going to sit back…he knows not for ever but for now. I will give him time and in the process I see a wonderful thing happening. It really inspires me and shows me that quite possibly the dream I have always had may come true….Every relationship is different and I am looking forward to this one. Not only do I have a chance to find someone that is looking for all that I am, A life partner, commitment, family but some one who is so caring and loving. Aaron has a side I have not yet seen…he is guarded  and I am looking forward to the day I can see that other side as the side I see is wonderful so I can only imagine what else there is. The biggest obstacle is the lack of role models and guidance. I am winging this one. What I find very interesting is that I know many people who are looking for that special someone. I feel like those that are of depth are out there and how to get them connected. Its an area that needs addressing for sure, thus I think I have taken on a new project.

Bottom line in life is happiness…Yes one has to be happy with themselves and then they can be happy and bring happiness to a relationship. We also have to look hard and deep inside ourselves and ask ourselves what it is we want in a partner. We have to be open and honest about that…we also have to communicate that. I feel like so many relationships fail due to the lack of communication and sometimes because we have gone for someone that is great but not all of those things we are looking for. For me I look for the inner beauty first. Yes good looks are important but if that is all you have then what do you have really ?? Finding the complete package is not always easy but not impossible either.

Have a Great Sunday Everyone

Follow Up :

After have a near heart attack and a few tears…Aaron calls and apparently he sent another e-mail so I read that and we talk and things are fine….Just a little panic and a reminder why it is so important to talk things thru !!!!  I appreciate all the feedback from you dear friends of mine…Pizza and Movie is next week….Now for a stroll to get some wine and have a quiet evening.

 

Cheers !!!

3/5/2011 A Turn Of Events

 

Well I guess life is challenging me again….Aaron sent me an e-mail that he is not ready for a relationship. What is it with me and men…I seem to attract them and then they go running…Doug wanted to work on his career and now Aaron is not ready to commit and needs to work on things. I throw my hands in the air. I wonder is there any good guys out there…Well I guess for now I have no answers. I really feel like I am driving them off and I want to know what it is I am doing wrong … I was going slow with this one…I guess the saga continues and no pizza night for me….I am going to have a quiet night and reflect on just what it is that that has me jinxed.

Any suggestions welcome……

Saturday 3/5/2011 :-)

So today is the big day !!! Ok so it is movie night with Aaron and I am excited to spend some quality time with the special and adorable man in my life . I am also being productive so all and all its been a great day !!!

Yesterday I managed to get some things done despite the motivation…I found the ambition late in the day and I feel better for that. I was able to catch up with a dear friend last night on line and that is always good. Over all a quiet day and evening

Today as I have been going about my morning routine I am listening to Adam Lambert and Clay Akien. I think they both have been under rated as they did some really good songs. SO much so I am on the lets replay a song again and again…Fun times  

So although I will not get back on my soap box here…there is progress in the repeal of DOMA and Same Sex Marriage is getting closer to reality. I am keeping busy spreading the word and the updates elsewhere. I am excited to see this and it is about time !!!

I guess that is all for now…I will be going off line for the night around 6…something kind of strange but good for me and I will catch up with tomorrow’s blog Have a Great Saturday !!!

Friday 3/4/2011 TGIF :-)

 

Ever have one of those days when you feel like there are many things you could be doing and yet somehow you can easily distract yourself with other things…well for me today has been one of those days.  I woke up this morning first at 5:30am and then again a time or 2 before getting up at 7:15. I could have gone back to sleep and may very well take a nap today. So I get up and make coffee and catch up on the world of Facebook and e-mail and some how most of the morning slips by. Could it be the hypnotic trance of General Midi’s Y4K cd ? could it be the chat conversations that I had…who knows but before you know it its now after noon ( 12:17pm) and other than faxing off something and eating breakfast oh yeah I made my bed too…other than that I have done nothing and I feel guilty about that….yet I am having a hard time being motivated.

So for todays blog I will not get on my soap box…I see that we are making progress and that is good. The fight continues until the battle is won !!!

Things are progressing nicely with Aaron….This weekend we will have the delayed Pizza and Movie night and I am so looking forward to spending some quality time with him. I am finding that it is not as challenging as I thought it would be going slow and taking time to get to know him. Its been good and I am finding that when we talk on the phone or in e-mail that  there are so many common areas and he is such a loveable person to begin with that it is adding up nicely….We even laugh about the same things and both agree that Justin Bieber needs to go !!!

Sorry that this one is not more of an interesting read…guess some days it is just that way…I am sure Sunday I will have much to write about

So at some point I will get the motivation to get things done and make the day worth while !!! I hope that everyone has a most awesome weekend !!!!

Wednesday 2/2/2011 A Great Day :-)

So today has been most wonderful and I am very happy so I am going to start with all the happiness in my life before I go further into the main topic today. Last night I was talking with Aaron and WOW he is such a great person and the common areas are many. The more we get to know each other the more I feel like I have met the one that I could see myself with for a life time. Smart, charming, educated, loving, the list goes on…even been through some of the same bad experiences that I have…I am so lucky to have this opportunity for happiness and to share life with someone that is so great…its beyond words. Best part is we are both taking this slow and I like that !! So Adorable Aaron I am grinning from ear to ear as you make me feel wonderful !! To the future and all that brings

 

Now for the main thought on my mind as of late… Marriage equality. I know this is a charged subject and I respect all sides, however I feel that the time has come that if 2 people wish to commit a life together than they should be able to. A friend of mine commented: “ Marriage is not an institution, its a relationship....” I agree. I am of the thought that if for whatever the reason you want to call marriage of same sex couples civil unions…I am ok with that, provided I am afforded the same benefits and protections that heterosexual marriages are afforded. Yes I can register domestic partnership, but what about filing joint taxes and the tax breaks 2 married people get?? What about the discounts for insurance ?? Medical directive of the partner in the event they are un-able to express their wishes…estate issues…what about if 2 gay people have children…not only is there no protection for the surviving partner, we do not get tax credits, The list goes on…I know what the original intent of marriage was..but lets be honest how many get married just for that reason. In and of its self a civil union as they now stand are a symbolic gesture of the love 2 people share but if that relationship does not last then they just split…there is no divorce and I for one feel way too many people go into marriage with out thinking about the rough spots and divorce. I feel marriage is a very serious thing and I think it should be taken seriously…including on working on the rough spots. I guess for me it comes down to equal rights for all citizens, not special rights. I am Matthew and that is a complex number of things including the small part which is my sexual orientation. I should be afforded the same benefits should I choose to marry, and I am one that if I got married it would be forever. Not every one can say that. I take it very seriously. I just want to be able to put my partner on my insurance if I like or visa versa. If I should have a child I want all the responsibilities and protections for them. I would like to be able to have joint property if I want with out the run around way 2 same sex people have to do it now…I do not want my partners family being able to exclude me from medical issues if my partner cannot speak for himself, I do not want to have the extra hassle  should it come to matters of the estate. You married Heterosexuals get all of that automatically and it is harder to challenge if the family wants to, not me. I know not every church is going to open me and my partner with open arms…fine. I can deal with that. Some will argue there are bigger issues and I agree balanced budgets and better education is vital. However the time has come that Gay Marriage or what ever you like to call it is allowed to be…The arguments about more important things will never go away…there will always be something that needs attention…SO no I am not going to sit back and wait anymore. Sometimes in life we have to make the time to make things happen…This is the time. Enough is enough.

I also want to state that I love and adore all of my family and friends, no matter their thoughts about this…this is a battle that I will joining my gay brothers and sisters and fight for. The black’s fought for the same rights as whites, they were not after special rights, just equal rights…that is all I am asking for. That is not so hard or out of line. So no matter we agree on this or not I love you. I would be sad if the day were to come and I was to get married and you choose not to be there, but I will respect you, despite being hurt that you chose not to join me in the happiest time in my life.

So now that I have stated my case I will step down from my soap box…I have said my peace and stated my case. I also have other tings in life to be concerned about, but this one is top of the list. Have an Awesome Day Everyone As Always Thank You For Reading !!!

Tuesday 3/1/2011

 

Today has been a great day despite the rain/slush falling from the sky. I woke up and the cold is becoming more a thing of the past, I have a happy feeling in my heart and today I got my denture consult. I am really excited as they will take the right side of my mouth on the 22nd and then in 3-4 weeks the left side. After no teeth for 4-6 weeks I get the plates put in. I have been wanting to get this done for some time and am glad that in 2 steps it will be done.

In other great news there is progress with the State of Washington allowing same-sex marriage. It would be a very cool thing if this gets past as it is about time !!! Domestic Partnership is great but only goes so far. Ah would that not be awesome…a dream may come true for me at some point down the road yet and not have to travel to another state to get it done.

All and all its been a great week and with the appointment today I am done for the week with Doctors and such. I have another GP appointment next week but now I can spend the rest of the week doing all the things that I put off that really are not vital but on the to be done list !! Also I am super excited for Saturday. Movie and pizza night with Adorable Aaron . He is such a find…yeah things are going great in that arena of my life and the more I get to know him the more things in common we have and I am over the moon about that .

This week I will be setting the appointments for school…the next major project for me. I am so happy that 2011 is shaping up in the way that I had hoped for and big shout out to all my dear friends and family for all your support and thoughts.

Here is hoping the rest of the week is as great as the 1st part has been…I know it be Epic !!!!

Monday 2/28/2011 Start Of A Great New Week :-)

So today is a Monday and for some people that is a dreaded day…Aaron will work late today as it is month end and payroll day and although he is a loan officer he is part of the team. He is not looking forward to it. I have found that Monday is really just another day for me. I guess too many years with a non traditional schedule makes me this way, and now that I am recovering and not working all the days seem to be the same. I am excited about Monday as its my day at the LGBT center. I find that very rewarding.

So good news on the cold front….I am getting over it after 2 miserable days and am very happy about that one. To not have a constant running nose is an awesome thing in my books. Like I told Aaron…I am going to be well come Saturday no matter what…he chuckled…I told him I was not letting this get in the way.

Aaron’s step dad is doing better after the stroke and I am ever so grateful for that. My thanks to those who said a prayer for him. I know it will be a road to recovery but from the sounds of it the progress is good so far and will continue to be good.

Tomorrow I have my Denture Consult and in some ways I am a bit nervous about that…I hate the x-rays as I have a low gag level and all that, on the other hand I am excited to get this done and so it is all good. Guess I will know more after tomorrow.

So in talking with Aaron last night I found out that much like myself he adores Queen and Freddie Mercury. To find some one that is as into them as I am is like wow !!! The more I am getting to know him the more things in common I am finding and that is way cool. He is such an adorable and kind man and I am honored to know him and to be able to  really get to know him after 6 years.  Sometimes doors open when you are not looking for them and this is one of those times. I am very happy

Continued prayers for the Prows family. Betty is comfortable with the help of hospice and I am happy for that. I also believe that the family has had their time to have one last visit which is good, none the less my prayers continue for them as they go through this process.

So yesterday I reflected on the fact that it has been 3 weeks since my long distance relationship was downgraded to friendship. I guess for me the part that is the hardest is just that I feel like there was no closure, that many things remained un-answered and that the 2 days leading up to that Sunday were so great. I will never know and I do appreciate the friendship, I would hate to not have that at the very least, and I am at a point now where I can put it all in perspective and move on. I may never get the closure I want but that is OK now… Someday I will look back and see the answers and that is fine by me. I wish him all the happiness in the world and hope that he finds the career success that he so desires and some day the special person to make him happy. I am not bitter because as a result of things not working out Aaron and I connected and so nothing but good can come from this experience.

So to close this I will say that I hope your Monday is awesome and that all is well and good in your world and smile…we are alive for another day and blessed to have the chance to make the day the most awesome we can !!!

Sunday 2/27/2011

 

What to write about today ??? LOL I have been up for 3 hours and still I ponder this. Well this weekend was far different that I had planned. All week I was fighting a cold and yesterday it took hold of me. The biggest affects are the runny nose, light chest pain and I feel it in my head. I slept 12 + hours between a nap yesterday, sleeping in the chair and actual bed sleep. I am so going to get over this…I guess the fact that plans with Aaron were postponed turned out to be OK…I would hate to give him this cold and I want to be 100 % anyhow. Speaking of Aaron…his step dad is doing better or shall I say making progress given the stroke and I am glad to hear that.  I worry about Aaron…I asked how he is doing with all of this and he says fine….but he is such a loving person that I think he is just not showing it…so I pray for him as well as his step dad and mom.

 

Today is a bit warmer out and they say we are supposed to have warmer weather for a few days…I  look forward to that. I think today I shall spend the day being mellow and getting well. Tomorrow I have my volunteer time at the center and then Tuesday I have a dental appointment. I am not looking forward to the X-Rays but to get an idea of what I am in for to get my smile restored is exciting.  The only other thing on the agenda for the next week is Pizza and Movie night with Aaron on Saturday…OK No Family emergency's next week OK….LOL like I can control it.

Do you feel like some songs evoke a certain emotion or strike a memory ?? As I am a huge music collector I think there are moments that I get wrapped up in a song. Sometimes its something I seek out the song…other times I will be listening to a playlist and a song will come on and it moves me…sometimes I will replay that song 2 or 3 times.

I am excited…I found a very rare cd on EBAY and I am so far the only bidder and 19hrs to go…I shall be watching this one. This is a new sealed CD that was only released in Japan and I have the LP sealed for this but to have a factory cd and not a LP transfer would be awesome !!!

Guess that is it for now…should have a shower and get something done besides sitting in front of the computer. Have an awesome day

Saturday 2/26/2011

Today I thought I would write about family. Since there are so many kinds of families I figured that I would honor them here.

Dictionary.com defines a family as :

fam·i·ly

   [fam-uh-lee, fam-lee] Show IP Anoun, plural -lies, adjective

–noun.

a basic social unit consisting of parents and their children, considered as a group, whether dwelling together or not: the traditional family.

a social unit consisting of one or more adults together with the children they care for: a single-parent family.

the children of one person or one couple collectively: Wewant a large family.

the spouse and children of one person: We're taking thefamily on vacation next week.

any group of persons closely related by blood, as parents,children, uncles, aunts, and cousins: to marry into a socially prominent family.

all those persons considered as descendants of a common progenitor.

Chiefly British . approved lineage, especially noble, titled,famous, or wealthy ancestry: young men of family.

a group of persons who form a household under one head,including parents, children, and servants.

the staff, or body of assistants, of an official: the office family.

a group of related things or people: the family of romantic poets; the halogen family of elements.

a group of people who are generally not blood relations but who share common attitudes, interests, or goals and,frequently, live together: Many hippie communes of the sixties regarded themselves as families.

a group of products or product models made by the same manufacturer or producer.

Biology . the usual major subdivision of an order or suborderin the classification of plants, animals, fungi, etc., usually consisting of several genera.

Slang . a unit of the Mafia or Cosa Nostra operating in onearea under a local leader.

Linguistics . the largest category into which languages related by common origin can be classified with certainty:Indo-European, Sino-Tibetan, and Austronesian are the most widely spoken families of languages. Compare stock ( def. 12) , subfamily ( def. 2 ) .

OK So there are many definitions of family but for me in my world there are really 5:

Born into, By Marriage, Chosen, Birth, Adoptive

First off there is the family you were born with. They help shape you, raise you and are with you for life. For many life will throw ups and down but at the end of the day we love and/or respect our family. We may not always agree but with this group of family we seek the approval of and we come to understandings. We learn what subjects to avoid in conversation and for many we try to please them, We may be very close or not so much, but they are there for us ( most of the time ). For me this group of family and I have become closer over the years and I grateful for that. Yes we disagree but the is a respect for all.

Family by marriage are those that are brought into your born with family because of a marriage. More so than in-laws there are all different additions. We love them and respect them like the family we are born into and that respect remains same ( for most ). It does get confusing to explain them in the family structure beyond the typical “In Law’s “. Sometimes its those who come to the family by marriage that bring an alternative perspective and the ability to see things in a different light.

For me ( and many I know ) we have a chosen family. This is unique as there is not always a set structure. Rather we are all one big group that loves each other and watches out for each other and in some cases are the only family a member may have. The beauty of this family group is that often we have much in common or at very least they support us un-conditionally. They love us as we are and sometimes are the best source of advise. Because often there is no structure like many types of family someone younger or older will be the one you turn to for advise. I adore my rather large chosen family.

 

Birth Family. This applies if someone is born that is then adopted. My friend Doug has a birth family. More and more the birth family becomes back into the life of the adopted one and this is a chance to add to their family structure. For those lucky enough to have supportive birth parents it can be a beautiful thing. Doug is lucky that they are supportive so for him it adds to his life, including siblings. Regrettable not everyone is this lucky and some never seek out their birth family for fear of rejection.

Adoptive Family. For Doug this is the family that he was raised with, the ones he calls family. You adore them just as anyone would ( born with family ) they shape you and they guide you through life.

I chose this topic because I have been thinking about my family a lot as of late and what they mean to me. I am blessed to have a born with family, by marriage family and a large chosen family. They have been supportive in so many ways for me this last year and I so appreciate it. I also bring this up because my thoughts are on Aaron and his family….his step dad had a stroke Friday. I do not many details but my heart and prayers go out to them. May he recover soon and regain as much as possible. I also continue to send my thoughts and prayers to Betty Prows ( Grandma by marriage ) and her family as she wraps up her life. I know that this process is tough on the family and I am happy that hospice is there to help ease the transition.

Family. What ever type of have…cherish them while they are hear as one day they will no longer and being one that has lost family I can tell you its never easy and you never forget. I also feel that I can live with out regrets. They knew how much I loved them and it is the happy memories that I will have forever.

Have a Great Saturday and Remind your loved ones how much you love them…this is so important !!!

Friday 2/25/2011 Yeah Its Friday :-)

 

So today I thought of many things I could write about and so today I am going to write on several subjects.

Yesterday I took a somewhat relaxing day…Ok there was shoveling to be done, dishes to be put away and washed and yes I even baked some banana muffins…but for me that is slowing down !!!

Yesterday I spent a fair deal of time thinking back to all of the various times of my life as I was going through some old photo’s. It was a fun trip down memory lane. I also thought about all the people that touched my life that for what ever reason we no longer are in touch. I was telling a friend of mine about this. We agreed that although it is life, it is rather sad. The people that you wonder what ever happened to ??? I wish them all the happiness in life and I am sure most of them are doing that. I shudder to think of a few I some how do not think are with us any more and for them I hope that they are in a peaceful place.

I wanted to touch on DOMA…Yes I am excited to see that it is being no longer enforced and we are one step closer to marriage equality. This is a subject that is near and dear to me for many reasons…I want to get married some time in life and I will only do that once. I am blessed to be in a state that honors domestic partnerships and that is a step but I want the whole thing. Personally I will live with the term civil unions as long as that brings me all of the same perks that marriage gives. I understand that some would argue that the federal government should not be involved. I take the stance that we should allow gay’s to join as one. Civil unions now are only symbolic…yes there are some ways to get legal protections for things like joint property and the right to visit in a hospital but why should I have to pay a lawyer thousands and have several extra documents ?? If 2 people wish to commit themselves for life why not…and how about adoption. I can adopt and it would be nice to have parents that were married or what ever term that might be given. Also tax benefits…why should 2 straight people get extra breaks just because they are married ?? Insurance is also cheaper. Gay people should be able to do that and get said benefits. I guess time will tell and I will be advocating that I am allowed to have all that my straight counterparts get.

I also have been thinking just what is a relationship all about ??? Why do so many gay men feel the need to not be serious when it comes to relationships ? I am live and let live and if you want to be single all of your life then go for it. But why do so many get into relationships only to end them with out working on the issue ?? And open relationships…to me that is an oxy-moron. Yes I was in a relationship once that we brought in a 3rd and never again. I think of a relationship and I think of monogamy. I also know that when there are disagreements you work on them. You do not throw in the towel just because of a small argument. I think too many gay men are too careless when they get involved and forget about all of the parameters of a relationship. For me I am attracted to the personality the values and the goals first. Yes I have to have physical attraction to the other but it is not first on the list. I also do not rush to sleep with the person. A good relationship takes getting to know each other and when the time comes for sex that is a special time. I guess I am a hopeless romantic and seek out that in a partner. I have a special someone and although it is still new in the actual dating process, this is someone that I have known for 6 years. We are going slow and enjoying all that is in the courtship phase. It is refreshing that I have someone who like me is interested in a lifetime commitment and not endless dating. Time will tell and I will share more as that time comes, but for now I am very happy and looking forward to building a foundation with him.

So this Friday I smile for all my beloved friends family and the special one. The sun is shining and although its freezing out my heart is warm with all the love that I have for all of you. You make my life blessed and I cannot tell you enough how much I appreciate that !!!! Have an EPIC weekend