Today is a sunny day and just what I need. Sleep was better but still I look forward to a good solid sleep. I still am waking more than I would like. I have been reflecting on life and the meaning of it only to conclude that there not really an answer. Life is a big adventure full of various journeys and learning experiences. Me being one that is a go getter I sometimes look for an answer when there is none…I am impatient I admit, I have ambitions and goals that I have to meet and feel like that I have not met them…I know that all in due time and that I need to stop and smell the flowers along the way. Ironic because I can tell my self this all the time and yet somehow I loose sight of this at times.
Recently I think I have been trying too hard on the dating and long term relationship I am after. Over achiever that I am I think I have been trying to hard and letting too much of my heart out too soon…I also think I need to see the warning signs and I have not been doing that. Well no more…I am going to start seeing things in better perspective. How can a long distance relationship really work ??? Yeah it was fun but dating requires the ability to spend time together and living 3000k miles apart will not help that. I am also going to really start watching for that “ I am not really ready “ to date sign. We all have been burned at one time or another and yet life moves on…and I guess for me I need more than the occasional phone call and e-mail…Which brings me to my next thought and I am not sure how I am going to achieve this….I need to put the breaks on my openness when it comes to my heart. I think that I am all too good at being able to express how I feel but for some this may be over the top. I know there is a balance between too little and too much…and I know that everybody is different. I need to find that balance and I guess I need to better read people to find where the comfort level is at. It has been a challenge as with Doug I could be over the top he liked that and would in turn do the same. With Aaron he is more guarded and fearful. Less was better with him. Some where there is someone who is ready, someone who lives in the same town, some one who can express them selves and show their feelings. I know that I am not going to compromise and settle and yet I suppose in a way I am also not ready to give up..that I feel like if I do not try it will not happen. I guess I am setting my expectations a little more realistic. I have on line profiles again but am realistic that meeting on line is only the start…that there needs to be face to face time and getting to know someone starting as a friend. I am also looking forward to the possibilities that could be with my volunteering at the LGBT Center and with Cancer Patient Care. I am also looking forward to college…who knows there may be someone I meet that way…. Lots of options and that is always a good thing. I guess I just have to keep myself in check and not let my ambitions get the better part of me…easier said than done I know and it will challenge me and test me on many levels yet I need to try…as to not try and to give up is failure and that is not acceptable in my world.
Well just as I get ready to post this I check my in box and I have an e-mail from Aaron….He says the door is not closed and he just needs to figure things out. It proves my point that life is full of twists and turns. I replied that I never say never…that I am in flux and if it is to be than it will be. I am not sure where life is going to take me. I guess we shall see how this chapter of my life plays out. Interesting to say the least.
Have a Fab Sunday Everyone !!!
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